3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Mercy

2026, Timur Bekmambetov (Night Watch) -- download

Weird. I have a fuzzy memory of saying out loud, "I wonder was Bekmambetov is up to these days...." but its not in any post and I don't recall the context. I haven't seen any of his since the failed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I guess he's been on the other side of the pond for the most part.

Despite coming from two entirely different studios, Universal and Amazon MGM, this movie, made by the latter, plays like it grew from the same Purple Suited Minds responsible for the recent War of the Worlds. It is a barely-above-middling crime thriller which is dragged into the muck by an absolute terrible visual depiction of technology, and this is coming from the guy who absolutely loves interface design focused movies. Most of the near-future flick looks like it was designed on a MacBook (likely it was) by a person who hasn't seen a non-MacOS computer since Windows 3.1.

And I was not hallucinating. Its right there in Timur's Producer credits -- and if you look through his producing credits, you see an inordinate number of movies that take place in front of a screen, such as "Unfriended: Dark Web" (2018) and "Profile" (2018). I just wish he was better at it.

This was an astoundingly bad movie, so much so I even considered not finishing it. But if I persevered through War of the Worlds then in for a penny, in for a pounding. I also wondered, as the opening "explainer vid" rolled, whether this was a MAGA Movie, i.e. something meant for the minds of the Republican / Right-Wing mindset in the US these days. The premise is that In the Future, when crime is at an all time high, they decide to implement an AI Judge as part of the "Mercy Court". The AI is "judge, jury and executioner" (without Dredd's cool helmet) and it has access to all information, all of it, giving the defendant 90 minutes to prove their innocence before being put to death. The assumption is that the only people standing "trial" here have been convicted by the evidence itself. Guilty until proven innocent, but by only your own aptitude.

No issues there.

Chris Raven (sounds like he chose his own character name; Chris Pratt, Parks and Recreation) wakes up, strapped to the chair. Judge Maddox (Rebecca Ferguson, Dune) explains to him that he killed his wife. But of course Raven doesn't think he did it, but cannot deny that he got blackout drunk and was abusively enraged at her, and she, wife that is, thought he was entirely capable of doing it. But he didn't do it, did he, cuz he's the main character.

Except the movie does kind of lead us down a garden path that Chris is a violent, narcissistic ass who is more than capable of doing it. I am not recapping the movie, but you know he didn't do it. He's Been Framed by his Best Friend, because, of course he has been. We are here to talk about how bad the movie is written, depicted and presented, not to debate "plot".

And we are here to do lots of "air quotes".

The methods in which the accused convinces Maddox that they are innocent are by accessing all the data made possible by her really sus methods of access. Don't trust AI, that is not at all considered a sentient AI as this is not that movie, but we are supposed to trust the surveillance state? She can literally access anything. She doesn't require warrants. The Mercy Court gives her this level of power.

But she sucks. She's not all that different than current AIs that are prone to being led by the nose to the wrong conclusions. If a human misrepresents the data available, then the data is corrupted. That might kind of be the point of the movie, but you always get the impression the agenda of the movie really likes the idea of an AI killing off scumbags, as long as other scumbag humans (likely Lefties) don't interfere with it.

But still, I should like a computer thriller full of interface screens, right? Yes, I should but we now know how Bekmambetov low balls even that idea. Like in War of the Worlds all the screens are social media, fly away file folders, video feeds, etc. that entirely look like someone is recreating them with software. Like mentioned prior, the designers used MacOS with its current rounded edges & smoked glass backgrounds but also made the usual terrible mistake of depicting other computers as if you would see their data from their screen. If I remotely access a MacBook from my Windows laptop, the screens I will see will be Windows screens, the data does not affect the depiction. But sure, visual cues to help technologically incapable audiences. 

And Maddox "herself". I am sure there is some low-key sexism or reverse sexism going on here, but having Rebecca Ferguson playing the fallible AI judge. I mean, I know that in a movie with limited cast, they need a contrasting recognizable face to Pratt's, but there definitely is some "cannot trust a woman" going on. And some side-eye glances about how AI's are not supposed to have emotions, yet near the end of the movie, she starts making "emotional choices". Once Eagle Raven's evidence-against starts proving to have been fabricated or falsified, and Time is Running Out, she begins taking matters into her own "hands" (screens) to help him. All they needed was one moment in the script where they talked about the AI being on the edge of sentience, maybe hobbled by scared technicians, and they would have some thin explanation as to why this non-sentient, non-gendered computer program would start making choices based on emotional situations. But no, nobody making this movie believes any audience cares about intelligent choices. Maybe my initial thoughts of this being a MAGA movie were validated purely by the expected intelligence levels of the viewers? Yeah yeah, cheap shot but...

Anywayz, I will just be here waiting for a real AI to help write a script and actually help with the visual graphics of the next interface focused technology movie. I know such depictions are possible and they are really good despite my quibbles with the whole AI industry.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Rats: A Witcher Tale

2025, Mairzee Almas (Shadow and Bone) -- Netflix

As of this stub's date (Feb 19) I have been off for a week, and ill most of it. Yesterday was the first day I felt somewhat human. My winter ailments usually involve sinus infections and that always puts my brain & moods out of sorts. One additional effect has been furthering an inability to watch/enjoy much. I literally have four movies in some state of "started". The only things I have been able to complete are TV episodes, which I continue not to write about, and a couple of movie rewatches, only one which I will write about. And this movie, which is more a movie-length episode of The Witcher, which I also watched in fits & starts.

The movie stars some characters from a side-plot in the series, a group of street urchin thieves who call themselves The Rats. In the main show they are seen as a self-aggrandizing bunch of teens/20-sumthins that are more bluster than successful rogues -- admittedly, my own opinion colours that statement. And they all die horribly before the season is out. In fact, this movie picks up right after those deaths and is done as a sort of recollection-tale by the show's scariest villain, a tale that doesn't make a lot of sense considering what he could know and not know, but... well, this show doesn't care.

My whole feeling for this movie, and these characters, makes me feel like an Old Man Yelling at Clouds. I want to dismiss my dislike for the whole setup and their depictions as a "they are not meant for my age-demographic" situation. But the objective pop culture consumer part of my brain, the one which is currently coming back online after weeks of fuzziness, recognizes its just Not Very Good. I highly doubt youth would make me like them/it any more.

I am also struggling with this while watching "Star Trek: Starfleet Academy" in that I am only enjoying it being in the "Star Trek" universe and not really enjoying all these runs at Teen Drama™ that the show is literally built upon. I am not going so far as saying its a terrible show, as much of the Enragement Bait Internet Rhetoric relies on, but I spend a lot of time rolling my eyes. And I don't really like any of the main youthful characters. Holly Hunter as the immortal Captain/School Chancellor... well, she rocks.

So, The Rats. This movie gives us Moar Background on them, primarily for the pack leader Mistle (Christelle Elwin, Death in Paradise) and her vaguely mentioned royal and/or wealthy background. I got the impression from the main show that she ran away from her life of refine, but this movie establishes that her family, and her girlfriend, were killed by the show's Main Bad Guys -- the fascist dresses-all-in-black country of Nilfgaard. It also gives us some connection as to why Mistle fell for Ciri so quickly in the main show, cute blondes and all that.

Anywayz, if you are going to do a show about rogues then it has to be about acts of thievery, so this one's a heist, where in they intend to rob the vault of a fighting ring, one run by the most dangerous & notorious crime gang BUT also more directly organized by a Bad Guy involved in the death of Mistle's family. And there is a monster involved, so they need a Witcher, and happen to find a drunken useless example doing his own play-fighting for coin in a bar, one Brehen (Dolph Lundgren, Aquaman) of the School of the Cat. His Tragic Backstory was that he failed to free King Foltest's daughter from a curse, losing his friend in the act, and Geralt of Rivia had to get involved. Blah blah, he's a self-pitying drunk. But they convince him to join them on the heist and ... ouch, I hurt myself rolling my eyes again... they all become a fast family.

Insert training montage after training montage.

Apparently this movie was cobbled together from the failed attempt to spin off a side-series. And it shows. Its rushed and empty of any real heart. Sure, they actually accomplish the heist, stealing a goodly sum of coin (but are broke again by the time they enter the main show, months later... losers) but losing Brehen in the attempt, and garnering the ire of the biggest, baddest villain the show has had in all its seasons, literally the only thing that compelled me -- one Leo Bonhart (Sharlto Coply, Elysium), a scarily effective and nasty killer of people, not monsters, especially enjoying adding to his collection of witcher pendants. He's the teller of the recollection-tale.

Maybe it could have been better, as a series, but I doubt it. Even as a big fan of Generic Fantasy, always enjoying the set dressing of these shows, this has no center. Reminding me of Xena: Warrior Princess which was the template for Terrible Generic Fantasy in terms of empty story telling, uninspired costuming and flat, bright lighting that makes everything look like a sitcom, this show squandered a substantial budget in lieu of terrible quipping and boring "quirky" characters. It looks good in many ways, as money was spent, but as mentioned earlier just doesn't have any heart. The locales, while full of sweeping vistas, don't have any particular feel to them, they just transplant from The Witcher's European forests to a place of stone and sand, but it doesn't feel authentic in any way, just bland, brown and boring.

But, yay (?), I finished it?

Toast & Kent's XMas (2025) Advent Calendar: Day 8 - Enchanting Christmas

2024, Brian Brough (Christmas Angel) -- download

Not to mixed up with Enchanted Christmas, a 2017 Hallmarkie starring Alex PenaVega of Spy Kids fame and her IRL husband Carlos.

Another from the leftovers bin and ... oh, gawds it turned out to be a terrible terrible knock-off of Hot Santa... wait, what was the movie called again? Oh yeah, Hot Frosty ! Hot Santa is that fashion model white bearded dude. Anywayz, as Peanut Gallery says, they are both just Pygmalion myth rip-offs.... but can you really rip-off myths?

Remember when I thought of watching nothing but off-market Hallmarkies? This should nail that coffin shut. Well, once I clean my leftovers bin out. 

Meta: While Googling this movie, I found a Reddit thread from someone who thought it was an actual Hallmark movie and was shouted down, as is the way of Reddit, by people who found it to be a GAF (Great American Family - the Xian "competition" for Hallmark; Kent and us discussed it in comments last year) but its really just an off-market indie movie sold to Amazon in the US... but not available in Canada on Prime.

The Draw: Most likely because it was a gender-bent knock-off of Hot Frosty.

HERstory: Technically it starts with HIStory. We start with the snowy wintry probably mountain PST flyover and a one room shack quaint log cabin where Single Dad Ben (Brando White, Dashing in December) carves ice, for money, but is still down on his luck due to overdue hospital bills from a recent accident. The bank is denying his loan. Poor Single Dad Ben.

As poor Single Dads do, they want to give their only daughters a perfect Xmas but are short on cash, so daughter Annie (Ava Jarque, The Housewives of the North Pole [?!?!?!?]) doesn't actually want anything. Instead she wishes on a... star? Snowfall? I don't remember, but Ben says he will carve her an Ice Princess as an early Xmas Gift, something out of a book he reads to her, a princess in a Green Dress... meh, I prefer Red Dresses.

It was at this point in the viewing I remembered why I downloaded the flick -- that it was to be a Hot Frosty knock-off! So, while I lasciviously commented, "Will she appear naked?" I had to remind myself that Frosty had appeared naked but for the magic scarf he was wearing, because he was a snowman only wearing a (magic) scarf & toque. Ice Princess is carved wearing a dress, as per the story.

Anywayz, the carving is ... well, its ugly - a grimacing simulacrum of a girl. But Ben has worked hard on it, late into the night, so Annie can see come morning. But the next morning, they approach the statue and ... oh noes, its just a pile of broken ice blocks. Something weather related must have broken it! Ben promises to do a new one, but it won't be ready for Xmas. Sad Annie.

Of note, there was a severe lack of any special effects when the "magic" happened. Its a sign of how lacking in any budget this movie has.

Anywayz, Ben has to leave Annie all alone in the woods while he heads to town to talk about a job for Dick Richman (John Donovan Wilson, Santa, Maybe), a real estate bro who really dislikes Ben but needs something special for his part in the town tree lighting ceremony. Or Christmas Fair. Something community related but which plays so little a part in the movie, I no longer recall.

While Ben is out, Annie finds a pretty blonde (well, bleached blonde with roots showing) lady in a green dress lost in the woods. Magic! She's very confused; after all she's a brand new person. Annie names her Jade Frost (Emily Sweet, Boss, Your Wife is Super Cool) and invites her in for hot chocolate cuz she's cold ("..and now I'm wiggling...") -- luckily there is no need to maintain a sub-zero temperature for Jade, so the hot drink with puffy white things goes down well. Annie comments on Dead Mom; Sad Annie has magic-ed herself up a new mom! But when Dad shows up, she has to explain why this strange hot lady is in their house. Enter a lie only an 8 year old can tell -- she's a teacher at her school and there was an apartment leak and she has no where else to go, so Annie offered her the spare room (in their one room shack which is "bigger on the inside") for a few weeks. Dad, expectedly, freaks. Who are you lady? Get the Hell out of my house! I don't care if you have nowhere to go and no family and no money for a motel and... no coat! Get out of my house! Well, if the movie had more emotional energy than a damp blanket, it might have gone that way, but he does ask her to leave. But immediately after, noticing she has no coat, he relents and ... roomies! Happy Annie.

The little family has dinner, where Jade is surprised that food has taste, and has trouble answering the most basic questions about ... well, basic human interaction. But that's OK, she's a hot blonde, so Ben overlooks. The next day, Jade will need clothes other than a green dress, so Annie grabs her savings and heads to the local thrift shop. The scene decides its important to point out that Jade is good at math. After shopping comes the first trope, a stop at the local Kids Crafting Event, where Jade impresses everyone by making a very pretty stocking, and is nice to people and meets... well, low-rent Santa masquerading as a school janitor. He tells Jade the rules of Ice Princess-dom, wherein if she doesn't convince Ben to accept that Magic Made Her and still accept her as a person (which, technically, she ain't) by Xmas Eve, she will turn back into ice.

Seriously, low rent Santa gives off more ex-biker now school janitor while on parole vibes than friendly magic monger.

So, Ben has that sculpture to make for Dick Richman which involves Santa and his sleigh and his reindeer, so Ben needs inspiration from .... real reindeer. He says, "I mean elk" which makes me think of the whole European vs North American debate of elk vs deer vs moose, but these are proper reindeer, not elk. Jade's drawings are MUCH better than Ben's, so I guess magic is required for good art? This is supposed to be the establishment of some rapport between the two but all her responses are one, two or three words. This is not dialogue, this is not conversation. I know its supposed to reflect the idea she is a New Person, but doesn't it come off as weird to him? Like, not attractive? Or is this idealizing her as the perfect Trad Wife, who is pretty but has few words and fewer thoughts.

Then we get another crafting event (candy apples), key to showing how well Annie and Jade interact together, and how considerate Jade is, this time adding in some Annie complication around a boy she likes (he's a bully) and a boy who likes her.  Because this movie didn't take the "learn life from watching Netflix" shortcut, all we get are more examples of Jade responding, "I don't know," to every question asked of her.

All this leads to Annie suggesting they go on a date. Ben asks Jade out for dinner, at a local busy, noisy diner where they run into Dick Richman who is jealous of Ben dating a hot blonde, criticizes Ben's choice of resto (which he is standing in, at that exact moment) and knocks over a waitress in his frustration that Jade lack of enthusiasm with his slicked back pony-tail. Dick Richman departs after basically screaming, "I'll have my revenge!". Ben and Jade go outside for churros, hot chocolate and more weird, awkward magic advice for Jade, from Janitor Santa.

Dick Richman's revenge doesn't make sense. He decides to ruin Ben's sculpture, the sculpture he commissioned, the sculpture he is using to win cred with the town mayor. Dick Richman ain't so smart. Exceeept, instead of a pool of water, Ben finds slightly melty reindeer which he re-carves into slightly smaller reindeer.... they don't even try to reference the "eight tiny reindeer" idea.

So, final day. Christmas Fair, Ben's reindeer sculpture is a success, which I guess is supposed to imply more work in the future (??) but, finally, Ben learns that Jade is not a teacher who needed a place to stay. Outraged, he confronts her and Jade tells her story, which Ben translates as Con Woman. So, the clues weren't there all along? Anywayz, Ben yells, Jade cries and runs away, knowing she is about to be iced. Janitor Santa has some words of "wisdom" for Annie (really, she should be creeped out by this creepy Santa) and then Janitor Santa asks Ben one question (which I don't recall) but it is enough for Ben to be attacked by a montage of memories scene, one where a normal person would go, "wow, she was really clueless" but he interprets as, "oh maybe she was actually a magic girl made from ice & wishes!" and so Ben & Annie hop in his broke-ass pickup to chase after Jade.

Meanwhile Jade has walked home faster than they could drive and... turned back into ice, dress and all. But never to be defeated by time-laden Xmas Magic, Ben gives the ice statue a heartfelt confession of love and as the two walk away broken hearted, the lack of special effects turn a blue light bulb on behind them and... Jade is a person again. The two kiss and will now have to deal with the complications of proper ID, her first period (as Peanut Gallery pointed out, will be rather shocking), and all the other stuff involved with ice becoming people.

The Formulae: OK, there is a PST (apparently its also called Stone Bridge which we never see any reason for) and a Christmas Fair / Tree Lighting and an Xmas Deadline and lots of hot chocolate and Xmas Activities and a Green Dress and a complication and a Dead Mom.

Unformulae: But for the most part, its pretty much not on formula, given it wants to be the Hot Frosty knock-off with the whole Cinderella midnight deadline but she's the pumpkin. There is no complicating Big City and no, common enough to all the other Hallmarkies I have watched this season, massive family house ("bigger on the inside" one room shack doesn't count). There is also no work work work to complicate her pretty empty head. 

The house thing has been brought up before, but usually someone in a Hallmarkie is uber-rich. Late Stage Capitalism is a thing in these movie and unless it is imperative to the plot, usually have more money than wits.

True Calling? No, I am going to say that Christmas was never all that enchanting. They could have gone with Christmas Enchantment and that's even available, but didn't.

The Rewind: No rewind, but I cannot  help but keep chuckling over Jade's utterance of "now I'm wiggling" which sounds naughtier than confused description of shivering.

The Regulars: Nobody; this is so far off track, these people are barely actors let along regulars.

How does it Hallmark? So, even a non-formula movie can Hallmarkie the #@!% out of things by focusing on the core ideal of an emerging love. But in this Pygmalion thing its kind of creepy to begin, especially with the "born sexy yesterday" trope in play. But not only can these two not act, but there is no way the scripted interactions between the two should lead to anything but horniness on his part. I am not sure she, who has difficulty understand hunger, would understand attraction. Basically I am saying they had the chemistry of wet snow. 

How does it movie? Astoundingly terrible. One thing I noticed about the zero-budget flicks is a lack of background ... anything. There are barely any extras, and most don't have any contribution to the movie. Almost all shots are close ups with massive amount of bokeh. Sets are minimal, and the most basic location shots. All the dialogue is flat, the interactions empty and the characters wooden. Also, as previously mentioned, the movie cannot afford ANY special effects, not even simple lighting effects beyond a blue bulb lighting off camera.

But in some weird masochistic way, this movie was a lot of fun to recollect and write. Maybe I crave the terrible?

Oh oh, something from my notes!! At least half a dozen times, when they did the requisite "fly over shot" of the PST, I could have sworn it was done by AI, which will emerge as the poor-man's CGI in movies to come. Its chilling to consider....

How Does It Snow?  In town, not at all. Like not cold, typical shot-on-a-set stuff, but when they are around his cabin in the woods, its all massive amounts of REAL SNOW with banks and snow piled high on branches.

31 Days of Halloween: Haul Out the Halloween

2025, Maclain Nelson (Christmas in Vienna) -- download

In the same vein as the last movie (fits in because its set during Halloween), and yes, this is a Hallmarkie set at Halloween, and apparently one of a few in a "Haul Out the..." series. I learned one thing in watching this movie, in that if I am not watching a Hallmarkie with at least the thinnest hint of "the formula" then... well, I am not interested -- and they don't have to be just Xmas; I rather enjoyed a "harvest fest" a few years ago. This Hallmarkie came more by way of a terrible Disney Channel sitcom than a "proper" Hallmarkie, and yes, I said that -- "proper". But it was about decorating for Halloween, so at least that can be fun, huh?

Nuh uh.

So, it starts with Emily Melrose (Lacey Chabert, The Christmas Waltz) getting married to Jared Farnsworth (Wes Brown, My Southern Family Christmas). Sorry, it starts with a flyover of a Picturesque Small Town with snow capped mountains in the background, and some dialogue about Evergreen Lane. No, not Evergreen, the perpetual Xmas village of other Hallmarkies, nor Evergreen of Peacemaker but just some town with a cul-de-sac called Evergreen Lane. It is Autumn and the town is aflame in colours.

So yeah the main characters are getting married. I guess there were escapades in previous movies that have brought us to this moment, and we are supposed to recognize most of the supporting wedding cast. The wedding is typical Hallmarkie sweet but almost immediately the movie jumps into the plot -- new neighbours have moved in and they are a little over-the-top when it comes to decorating for Halloween. As in Violating the HOA Charter over-the-top. 

Yes, this is a movie about overbearing HOA members, and wherein most movies have the HOA as an unstoppable force of Evil, this one has them as the main characters. It says something about the current American value system that the Main Characters are all members of a horrible political system. Anywayz, it seems Halloween Decorating was not outright banned on Evergreen Lane but expected to be very toned down because of The Incident. What Incident, you ask? Well apparently Emily got jump scared when she was 10, so for the last 30 years... seriously, WTF? A kid gets scared at Halloween and they basically ban the event for THIRTY YEARS?!?! Pay no mind, obviously they repeal that or we wouldn't have the movie but... ?!?!?!

The rest of the movie is about the lead up to decorating, some internal squabbling with the neighbours and families, and complications with the local news reporter. I guess they assume that since these aspects are typical plot points in other Hallmarkies, just lumping them together in this movie as connectors between the plot and all the other sitcom-y shenanigans will satisfy viewers? I won't comment on what truly typical Hallmarkie viewers think of this mash-up but it is not for me. There was some fun spins on the Baking Competition and the Holiday Sweater (set decorators had fun, plot basically ignored the element) but for the most part the movie focused on the shenanigans. And the actual Halloween night event is... toned down? One thing I love about the Xmas Hallmarkies is how utterly over-the-top they go in decorating their Xmas Villages or Squares, but here it was only one notch up from Spirit Halloween. In fact, I am pretty sure they shot in one of its stores. 

This was a Hallmarkie that was boring, stupid, celebrated terrible people and barely enjoyed the thrill of the season, and worst of all, the Main Characters had zero chemistry or charm.

Speaking of terrible, while trying to find a poster for this post, I ran into at least two different AI generated posters, which were created for AI generated posts meaning to lead people to malware and scammy stuff. The posters were decently done, but not this movie and the movie they described were not even this movie, but something entirely fabricated. I even ran into one that generated a terrible AI version of a poster for this actual movie, but still... so so wrong. Its amazing how quickly the Use AI for Evil has gotten out of hand.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Red Sonja

2025, MJ Bassett (Solomon Kane) -- download

I cover my love of Conan the Barbarian in my posts about those movies, both the original and the later one. I haven't rewatched the "original" Red Sonja (1985, Richard Fleischer) since the days of VHS - it was not very good, even in comparison to the others. This movie is not a remake of that, nor is it connected to the (other) attempt(s) at remakes, based on Gail Simone iconic adaptations which were going to be helmed by Robert Rodriguez, Bryan Singer and a few others. Obviously those properties never came to life. Bassett claims to draw upon the 70s Roy Thomas Marvel Comics source material for this movie, but that's a little disingenuous considering that the entire image of Red Sonja that we know today is that image -- the original Red Sonja by Robert E Howard was not even a Conan character. And she doesn't even do that well, because, well... a big breasted warrior in shiny bikini armour would not go over well, except in passing commentary on it.

I think you're wrong. I think it would go over VERY well. Hell knows that there are probably a thousand butt hurt reviews out there about how "woke" this movie is and how disappointed she is not a back-sore Amazon of a woman. And considering how much the trolls are taking over much of the USA, it won't be long before they control all media.

This is not a very good movie, but as I have said before, Swords & Sandals movies rarely are. So, I judge them by how much eye-rolling I end up doing, and how my genuine investment in the movie there seems to be. This is not one of those numerous "straight-to" fantasy movies that sit on Amazon's "if you like X, try Y" category -- those are generally made by fans of the genre but with very little skill, experience or budget, more akin to fan films with lofty ideals. There was a time, say back in the 1980s, when I would have jumped on every single one of these movies with gleeful abandon, completely ignoring their faults, my imagination filling in every gap & failing with wild head-canon. Alas, I can only watch these movies with a bit of tempered respect & irony now. THIS movie is a cut above those, but not by far.

And I really enjoyed Bassett's other Robert E Howard property, "Solomon Kane", which probably deserves another rewatch & post.

Like all good Conan-not-Conan movies, we start with a tribal society being invaded by an outside force. I hesitate to call either "barbarians" as we know that Sonja is supposed to be Hyrkanian, and we are supposed to reserve that word for the tribal people from the far north, i.e. Conan's people. Sonja loses grip on her ... little brother (?) or at least some young boy she is supposed to take care of, and she sees her mother killed. She flees into the forest and ... many many years later she is an adult and still looking for any signs of her people. Based on how easy it is to find them later, she didn't do a very good job of looking.

In the books and comics, the Hyrkanians were horse riding folk who lived on the steppes. This is exhibited by Sonja (Matilda Lutz, Revenge) being really really close to her horse. Not that close. Sonja's people are depicted like most fantasy movies do these days -- no matter what "culture" their tribe is supposed to represent, they are a mix of whatever extras live near the shoot. This is not "accurate" but is a far sight better than the days when EVERY single tribe's depiction was all (very white) British folk. But my original point is that nothing about Sonja's people looks like "horse people" beyond her having a good friendship with hers.

OK, but what DO you mean? What should "horse people" look like?

Years later, years of just wandering around in the forest with her horse? Well, years later, she comes across mercenaries hunting CGI animals (some sort of Megacerops) for their horns. That leads her to a fortress, something very classic Conan story-telling which just loved its forts on the borderlands. This fort belongs to Emperor Dragan (not pronounced dragon; Robert Sheehan, Season of the Witch), once a slave of the Barbarian King who raided Sonja's village but he fought his way out, and became Emperor, but by way of totally-not-natural use of techno-magical war machines and such. He has a tank instead of a carriage, control collars on the monsters that his mercenaries capture for him, and a city powered by a big shiny orb thing. And he's not a nice guy, having enslaved pretty much every tribe in the area, with only Sonja's people holding out. Apparently they didn't all die that day they were invaded, and his hunters have been having just as much trouble finding them as she is.

Sonja ends up in his gladiatorial pit where she meets, in a nudge-nudge-wink-wink manner, her classic chainmail bikini which was always more scale mail than chain, but pop-culture references aside, its more beach volleyball than it is supermodel. Of course, she does a good job surviving said pit and gets to choose another suit of armour which is... not much better? WTF, after making a big deal about her bikini armour, she ends up wearing a suit with a bared mid-riff anyway; essentially adds on shoulder plates and an armoured skirt instead of the mere bikini bottom.

The idea of the movie is that Sonja's people had a book, and this book contained all the scientific knowledge that Dragan has been using to Take Over the World (maniacal laughter). But he only has half, and assumes if he finds Sonja's people, and the other half, it will allow him to finish His Great Work.

Bzzzt.

Sonja does escape his city, does find her people (basically, "Hey Lady, we're over here. We always were!") but... pretty much wipes them out as she has led Dragan's army of machines and monsters against them? Why they didn't just go back into hiding in their forest, one will never know, but Sonja has to go up against him, his army and his white-haired witchy warrior woman (Wallis Day, Batwoman). Said witchy warrior woman almost kills Sonja, but Sonja's best bud (her horse) saves her at the last second. Witchy Warrior Woman reports back to Dragan that Sonja is dead and when he finds out she isn't, they stab each other. A dying Dragan runs off with his newly acquired other half of the book, which he has learned was not going to fill in the blanks on his Dark Techno-Magic but instead focused on healing and growing and all that woke stuff. He dies with Sonja apologizing for leaving him behind all those years ago, when she lost grip on his hand, but pointing out that all the choices he made afterwards were his own. Consequences, bitch! Also, he tore up the book he was not really pissed at -- I hope they have another copy. 

The movie ends with some weak nods to Conan, a barbarian king in the west, but I wouldn't hold your breath that this movie will get a sequel.

Finally, I say again, Swords & Sandals movies are rarely good and neither are many Swords & Sorcery, but many are entirely rewatchable from my vantage point. A well-tread formula with a main character you enjoy, or an intriguing situation or a fun main villain. All can bring me back to that 14 year old who would absorb anything fantasy with relish. This movie sorely lacks in those areas. Sure, its still technically above the Straight To fantasy movies I mentioned I avoid, and it has pretty decent effects and production values. But the performances are just above phoned-in, especially Sheehan, who has done some more-than-passable fantasy roles prior, and plays his villain in pretty much the anachronistic state that Jeremy Irons did in the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons. Lutz herself is ... well, bland. Sonja is supposed to be a legendary swords woman, but this Sonja states very loudly, she is better with a knife, and the back-to-nature aspects were just ... grating; is she supposed to be a warrior woman or a forest ranger? Her supporting side kicks were forgettable and the presence of monsters almost helped, especially the mild nods to stop-motion (a cyclops) but too little, too little.

3 Short Rants (Definitely Not): War of the Worlds

2025, Rich Lee (a long long list of music videos) -- Amazon

Well, his list of previous work at least explains something.  

A lot of things went through my head while I continued to watch this absolutely terrible movie. As I caught myself consciously continuing to watch said movie instead of just turning it off. That said, I think I had said it before, that I generally turn movies off for being boring, not for being bad.

A movie from the perspective of two 14 year olds saying, "I can write a better movie than that!" and doing so.

It seems like there has been a lot of "War of the Worlds" projects in the past decade or so. The novel became public domain internationally around 2015, which would make you think everyone would jump on their own attempt, but really there are just the two British / European TV series (both started in 2019, which is where my perception likely came from) and a low low budget 2023 movie. Spielberg's movie is outside this window.

A movie based on your grandmother's perception of technology, the Internet, conspiracy theories she reads on Twitter and how "data" works.

William Radford (Ice Cube, Ride Along) is a DHS analyst trapped in working out of a locked room in the basement of a DHS office building. He is depicted as "the guy in the chair" personally tasked to help FBI agents perform a raid, help NSA Director Briggs (Clark Gregg, The Road to Christmas) do stuff, etc. He also stalks his children with the same technology he uses to "keep the country safe" -- hacks CCT cameras, sends drones after them, listens in on their phone calls, tracks their purchases, etc. None of it is Good Dad stuff. But the major issue I had with all this was not the invasion of privacy and his lack of focus at work, but my knowledge of THAT IS NOT HOW THIS IS DONE !! Even in cinema, even bad cinema you know its a room full of analysts each tasked with specific things, each taking time to complete said task. Instead, this movie has Will and only Will running commands, clicking buttons, tapping screens, etc. They replace the usual nonsensical hacker jargon with interface screens.

I should've been waving at the screen, yelling incoherently about how utterly ludicrous these plots points are. "WHY? Why did that happen? HOOOW ???"

If I can give the movie anything, it is that it indulged my love of interface depiction. The gimmick of the movie is that it is entirely done through the lense of digital cameras. So, we see Will from his monitor's camera, and we see the rest of the cast from phone cams, CCT cameras, drone cameras, etc. Admittedly, its a fun gimmick, and even though the interfaces are incredibly dumbed down (I swear, he ran command "hack camera" at least twice -- he didn't actually, but that is how it felt) it is exciting. And to the unexposed, it all looks incredibly technical and snazzy.

When I write terrible terrible pulp fiction vignettes, and never consider it being possibly published, I should remember, "This Got Made."

While Will is stalking his family and half-assedly doing his actual job (the idea is that Will is so good at clicking & scrolling that even half-assed, he is the best of the best) something weird is going on in the background, which of course, is an alien invasion. In the click of a mouse, there are CGI tripods climbing out of holes and zapping people. Beyond watching news casts and peeking through CCT cameras, Will also tasks NASA scientist Sandra Salas (Eva Longoria, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) with letting him look through her phone cam. For no other reason than she works for NASA, she goes to one of the craters of the perfectly spherical meteors. She's a scientist (for NASA !!) so she is... doing science-y stuff? Not really, she's just getting far too close and poking things she shouldn't be poking -- she's not even wearing a hazmat suit. Oh yes, the real reason Will originally reached out to her because she has access to satellites, and many many satellites had gone offline due to... weather?

Why is DHS Analyst working with the FBI but reporting to the NSA and (AND !!!) tasked with getting the warrant so the FBI can raid someone. So, we can be technologically thrilled by seeing him send a PDF. Ooooo, its like "Law & Order" but updated !!!

Once the aliens start fucking with the world, within minutes, because all of this is supposed to be happening in real time, the armies of the world unite and start fighting back.  The news casts start calling the response to the invasion, "The War of the Worlds." We are supposed to consider that witty.  Its not like there are hundreds of thousands of the tripods, just a scant three to five for each major city. Cue flag waving rah rah Michael Bay scene.

Unite?!?! How the fuck is the world UNITING ? Its just the armies in each independent country fighting the aliens on their own soil !!!

Buuuut, then the real alien agenda shows! The aliens start focusing their attacks on data centres, each tripod seemingly disabled but actually sneaking weird bio-cables into the data centre to suck off the data (phrasing !!). Will somehow has a graphic that shows data centres as stacks of "data" like the battery bar on your (old) phone -- as each green stack diminishes, it becomes red. Not sure why this visual would exist on any system but... TECHNOLOGY !!

The aliens eat our data. Eat. As in sustenance. They did not come to Earth to eat our brains, but to eat our data. As if data was a tangible resource. There is a brief, miniscule comment where they suggest the aliens are using the data to become smarter, to know more about us, but then it flips to.... suddenly the armed forces of the world are losing. Without the "data" Command cannot communicate to their soldiers and everyone starts dying. Why. WHY?!?! Based on the fact that we are still watching Will do shit on his computer screens, it means the operating systems are every fucking computer in the world is still working, the core functions are still there. Radios still work, CELL PHONES STILL WORK! EYES STILL WORK !! Point and shoot, you stupid soldiers !!

Again, all this is happening in real time. It struck me the movie was originally meant to be yet another mini-series in that things that normally take a long long time happen in minutes. In the span of the ten minutes when all the data centres are emptied. the soldiers fighting would still have bullets, and bombs and rocket launchers and tank shells and.... could still pull triggers !!

Yes, both voices of this writer are now both screaming at the screen in unison.

I should mention that Will has now abandoned trying to satisfy his bosses, as he has a few other things on his mind. His pregnant daughter has been injured and despite him sending a robo car to drive her to his secure data bunker, he has discovered that Briggs, the NSA boss guy, could have stopped this, but didn't. You see, the aliens were attracted to his super duper extra top secret privacy invading data mining system -- all of the world's private data was... extra tasty and irresistible? And he hid the system in the basement of the building Will works in. SO, to hide the system from the aliens, and from the prying eyes of his own government, he sends fighter jets to bomb the shit out of Will's workplace and bury it in rubble. Yes, fighter jets that five minutes ago couldn't fight back against the aliens because all their data centres were slurped up. And the bomber fighter jets are B-2 Stealth Bombers, because they look cool, cuz nothing right now needs to be stealthy.

The car has a "losing battery" scene, in which Will has to hack the systems of the car and reduce energy consumption to conserve just enough battery life to get her to the destination. The car was a mile & a half away. So, this dead battery car was just sitting on the side of the road waiting for the owner to come back with the EV version of a can of petrol?

MEANWHILE it should be mentioned that his daughter (Iman Benson, The Midnight Club) is a scientist in her own right, and she .... if you know anything about "War of the Worlds" ... she made a virus. This "cannibal virus" is supposed to reprogram DNA to eat cancer cells. This sounds like the making of a spin-off horror movie unto itself, once that virus gets out and makes data-hungry zombies, but for this movie, once they realize the aliens are bio-synthetic, they know they can upload the "cannibal virus" into the xtra-tasty data centre. Someone writing the movie associated DNA code and computer code as being the same thing. In the silliest "upload the virus" scene since Independence Day uploaded Microsoft Windows onto the alien's MacOS system (Google the fan theory), this is how they defeat the aliens in a novel-reminiscent manner. 

Don't forget them having to send the virus by USB key via Amazon drone by... ordering the USB key from the website... by now the movie doesn't even attempt to make any sense, and doesn't shirk away from shilling for its parent company.

When the movie ends, Will has decided to dump being a sweater vest wearing privacy hacking spy for his government, to being a black hoody wearing hactivist, spying on the government to make sure they don't create anymore top secret surveillance technologies that will attract aliens.

So, this movie got made. And secured a handful of face actors. And got sold to Amazon. And enough budget so that what camera work there was, did not look like something out of Asylum's catalogue. Its going to generate enough buzz (its already touted as worst movie released this year) to gain enough of a hate-watch audience, but this could not be intentional by any means, as it takes itself far too seriously, to even be fun by Bad Movie standards.

Holds up Toasty's notebooks --- got ya some NY Times Best Seller's material here !!

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): In the Lost Lands

2025, Paul WS Anderson (Resident Evil: Retribution) -- download

There's a lot to unpack in my head over this post-apocalyptic CGI fantasy movie from a director who apparently makes movies for his wife to star in. I rather enjoyed his previous romps with his wife, primarily his adaptations of the Resident Evil video games into ... something entirely different. They are terrible, but I find them terribly fun. They, at the very least, have somewhat of a focus to them. This one seems the opposite, unfocused and unsure of what it was doing beyond individual scenes, like trying to make a movie from someone's concept art portfolio.

This movie should be right down my alley. Its mythical, its fantastical, its post-apocalypse. It has monsters and magic, guns and swords, and even an Old West vibe. And noting my oft yelled complaint about lack of style, its has "style" in buckets.

The problem is that it was terrible, and not Fun Terrible, just plain terrible.

Earth, after an unnamed apocalypse, but harkening back to 80s scifi, very likely nuclear. Civilization is now boiled down to one city, a hell hole of a place dominated by an Overlord and a Church. Its people seem to spend all day digging in a strip mine for ... something; I don't remember, and its not any major part of the plot (plot???). If there are Churches, then there are witches, and this one is Gray Alys (Milla Jojovich, Monster Hunter), whose motif is to give a person whatever they ask of her, no matter the consequences. The movie opens with them failing to hang her.

And there is Boyce (Dave Bautista, Blade Runner 2049), a hunter (of what? not sure.) and anti-hero in a cowboy outfit with guns and a two-headed snake. When he's not fucking the Overlord's queen, he's wandering the Lost Lands. Gray Alys is approached by said queen with a request -- steal the power from a shapeshifter in the Lost Lands for her, so she can take control from her dying husband. Alys accepts, because she can refuse no one, and grabs Boyce from a bar on the way out of town.

There is a handy RPG style map of the path from the city to the lair with various points of interest along the way, all with cool po-ap names. They are pursued by members of the Church who steal a train and are lucky that Boyce's journey also happens to follow train tracks and that this po-ap world still has... a functioning rail system?!?! At any moment Boyce could have lost his pursuers by ... just taking another path, but implications of "epic adventures" are that there is "one safe path".

Like I already mentioned, the movie is not so much made of continuity but a vast series of visually stunning CGI backdrops connected by vibes. Unto themselves, they are lovely to look at and intricately built but as a movie... not so much. Dialogue is usually in three word bursts punctuated by grunts. Say something, cut to another CGI rendered scene, say something, move on, say something, burning skyline, say something, thundering train... you get the idea. The action scenes are commendable and impressive and probably the only contiguous thing in the whole movie.

If I was 14, I would have loved this movie. The riot of visuals would have overwhelmed much of my brain and just produced fodder for my D&D or Gamma World games, but Old Me is less impressed, and more easily annoyed.

If you are wondering what ended up happening plot-wise, it was supposed to be a twist that the shapeshifter was actually Boyce and everyone he leads into the Lost Lands, he ends up killing. We are supposed to get the idea that lots of people go into the Lost Lands to kill the werewolf, but the movie never says "why" -- it is a vibe of epic fantasy that heroes (there aren't any actual heroes in this movie, just anti-heroes) always seek out monsters to slay. Gray Alys does slay Boyce, does take his skin and then brings it to the Queen so she can depose her husband and the head of the Church but... well, it all just ends in a confused pseudo-epic muddle with Boyce alive again.

Meh.

I had to constantly tell me the movie was not called "Into the Lostlands", which is harkening back to a different po-ap TV series called "Into the Badlands", which I swore I would have written about, but the evidence is not to be found.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Survive

2024,  Frédéric Jardin (Nuit blanche) -- Amazon

Or Survivre.

This low-budget (more accurately, economical budget; low has connotations) French apocalyptic survival (pun intended) movie strikes me as the pilot episode on a 90s scifi survival series, right down to the make-shit-up "science" of the situation and the "every other person is a Bad Guy" setups. Like those shows, it just rushes along on a wave of adrenalin and the screaming, without really trying to have a plot. Its almost big dumb fun, but not quite, as it takes itself far too seriously, considering how absolutely silly the whole premise is.

It starts with a family on a boat and wee bit of character development, just a wee bit. A French family, he is German, they live in Miami. The family vacation at sea is interrupted by weird storms and satellites falling from the sky and ears bleeding. When they wake up the next morning, the ocean is gone. They are in a desert in the middle of nowhere. Sucked through a rift in time and/or space? Nope, that would make "sense"; instead they are still off the coast of Miami but the oceans have been sucked away. 

By looking at his compass, Dad (Andreas Pietschmann, 1899) determines the poles have reversed after which the oceans went onto the land, leaving what they left behind as dry land. Wait, dry land? So, the water went... uphill? Dry land was not dry because the magnetic poles kept the water there, but because the continents had rose above the water. Furthermore, one night's departure of water would not leave a dry, gritty desert (filmed outside Morocco) but a muddy morass probably massively deep in many places. But no matter, oceans gone, boat stranded, what to do what to do.

They talk to people on the radio. The scientist who was in a deep sea diving rig explains to them what happened, in details only a scientist could and that he is in a vehicle that can hold three people. Also, the oceans will return. How he knows this, who knows or cares -- sense of urgency! Save our kids! And that tense setup is also interrupted by the arrival of a stranger with a dog. Men with dogs are to be trusted, right? Nope, stabby stabby, Dad is dead. Wait what?

The rest of the traumatized family (as if oceans going bye bye wasn't enough) run off into the desert, towards the man in the yellow submarine. Bad Man gives chase, sans dog, cuz Mom (Émilie Dequenne, Brotherhood of the Wolf) killed it. Poor dog, not his fault his owner was a dick. They find a plane that obviously crashed into the ocean years ago, and hide out the night. But not before the bad man catches up to them and Mom stabby stabby kills him. BUT the next morning, his body is picked over; what's been chewing at him?

Delirious with thirst, young teenage Son drinks from a puddle. "Don't do that !" yells Mom! And almost instantly he gets sick, but that's alright, cuz she has a first aid kid with a needle that makes things alright. Further on, they spy a crashed container ship in the distance. Should be LOTS of people on the thing, right? Full of sailors, right? Nope, just a couple of scavengers breaking into a cracked container of bottled water and food. Help a family out? Nope, they wave their guns around cuz in this new no-ocean world, nobody can be trusted. BUT the unknown threat from earlier, that picked over the Bad Man, is now chasing everyone -- CRABS ! Deep Sea Crabs! Not bothered by the lack of pressure, they are hungry and like to pinch pinch everyone to death. The family crawls on top of a container until the sated crabs depart. Now they have food, water and guns.

Eventually they make it to the yellow submarine, but only after leaving Mom behind in a trench. Yellow Submarine Guy says they only have hours until the ocean returns, BUT he's been bitten by crabs so that will make room for Mom. So, back to the trench to get Mom, and everyone gets in, and Submarine Guy dies, and the oceans return. Whoosh.

The next morning they are awash on a ruined beach, inland, oceans where they should be, but proper dry land has been wrecked. Cue the sequel.

If this had been a terrible 90s action survival TV show, I would have probably forgiven it because even That Guy of the 90s liked disaster and survival plots. And back then you forgave a lot but this is now and This Guy, despite having devolved into Terrible Action Movie Guy, has developed an identity of snarky complaining. While being decently shot and acted, where acting was required between the running and screaming, it just diverged from reality so far without giving even the littlest of shit, that it irked me. Pretending that all this lunacy could be caused by natural disaster just strained credulity to the point of breaking.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Y2K

2024, Kyle Mooney (directorial debut; actor 'Saturday Night Live') -- download

I read an online defense of the movie, on Reddit, that people who giving the movie terrible reviews "didn't understand the movie is supposed to be a horror-comedy." Oh, I am quite QUITE sure everyone knew they were watching a horror-comedy, but I am not sure these people writing in defense of the movie would understand how terrifying terrible this movie was. I did say out loud that the only saving grace of the movie is that it was self-aware of being a "bad movie", but I am not quite sure it was self-aware enough. I have not been a big fan of Saturday Night Live for decades, but even when I was a fan, I acknowledged that most of the sketches were mediocre at best and the show shined for its rare viral-bound bits. This movie would be one of those sketches better left forgotten. I mention SNL because the movie was directed, and even starred, a cast-member.

OK, we all remember that Y2K was a big bust. For those that don't remember, the problem was that a lot of computer systems had two-digit numbering for dates. So, as 1999 became 2000, the system would suddenly think it was 1900. Lots of money was spent to install work-arounds to handle that "glitch" (not really a glitch, more a lack of foresight) but there were still tons of media hype about how it would end the world. A lot of people expected the world to literally end. It didn't. For the most part things just went on as they always did.

But what if it didn't? What if things DID go crazy. This movie posits that machines indeed do go crazy and start killing.

deletes long rambling recap, because nobody, not even me, would care.

So, high school kids go to a New Year's Eve party, dealing with the usual social strata woes and conflicts, when... yup, the machines do go mad.  Anything with electronics is possessed of an evil intelligence that allows it to combine with other parts to become killer bots -- the remote toy has a hairspray blow torch, the CD player shoots shiny shuriken, the microwave zaps your head once something else has tripped you. They're all rather ingenious, working in tandem using wires as prehensile appendages to gather more parts and make themselves more deadly. Outside the party, the world is falling from the skies.

You're recapping again.

So, its presented like a cliche ridden horror movie, and its attempting to go all dark-comedy because things are so utterly ridiculous, but unfortunately, definitely due to Mooney's guidance, its all just so bloody stupid. Sure, there are just enough cute nods to other technology movies of the 90s (Hackers, The Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity, etc.) to make me chuckle, but not enough to actually make me not groan constantly. You might chuckle at the Fred Durst cameo ("Fred Durst, you look like shit!") but end up cringing at him singing George Michael's "Faith". It never tries to make sense, but was not funny enough to accept the lunacy. They waste Julian Dennison (Deadpool 2), and I am not sure why Rachel Zegler (Shazam! Fury of the Gods) ever said yes to this bad bad movie.

ReWatch: Fantastic Four + Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

2005, Tim Story (The Blackening) -- Disney
2007, Tim Story (Barbershop) -- Disney

OK, these movies are from one of the many pre-MCU eras of superhero movies; this era gave us a bunch of middling attempts at & sequels of Marvel movies (Spider-Man's, Ghost Rider, Elektra, etc.) and pretty much the same at DC (Batman Begins, Superman Returns), albeit smaller numbers. There were even a few non-publisher movies (Sky High, Jumper, Push, Hancock) which played with the genre. They all scratched an itch for comic book lovers, but few were satisfying and even fewer were successful. Oh, there are always anomalies, but... 

And in some ways, we are back to that era, except the competing movies are all MCU. Or it one long sub-par era interrupted by a brief decade of quality, popular Marvel movies?

These are terrible movies.

But I remember that, at least, when I originally saw Fantastic Four I was not entirely disappointed. Afterall, its an origin story, so they get a lot of leeway. The casting was acceptable with Ioan Gruffud (King Arthur) as Reed Richards, Jessica Alba (Sin City) as Sue Storm, Captain America (Chris Evans, Cellular) as Johnny, and the ever confusingly aged Michael Chiklis (The Shield) as Benn Grimmm. I was not against Alba being a blonde, and not in black & white. Oh, and Julian McMahon (Charmed) as Victor Von Doom (sing the doom song!).

Chiklis was 40ish playing the Ben Grimm role, which is the age he was likely supposed to be when he played "The Commish", when he was only 28.

OK, so Reed Richards, not yet so fantastic, wants to expose some biology to a cloud of cosmic energy, but in order to do so, he will need to get onto Vic VD's spacestation. Reed and Vic are old college buddies, and Vic agrees to allow Reed and his (astronaut?) buddy Ben Grimm come on board as long as his chief researcher Sue Storm gets to help -- she's also Reed's ex. Also her brother is up there as well. I don't remember why. Anywayz, things go wrong and they are all exposed to the energy from the fast moving cloud (???) of cosmic.... stuff.

If Reed was dating Sue Storm in college, let's say six years ago when Reed was mid-twenties? Jessica Alba is six years younger than Gruffud, and McMahon equally older than Gruffud. I suppose if you do the the typical waffling of ages in Hollywood, Sue was entering university while these guys were there?

Back on Earth they discover they have powers, while things go very wrong for Victor, as I guess he was walking a thin line with his Board of Directors, and his spacestation going kaflooey has made things worse? Meh, he should have just gone all Musk on them and did whatever the fuck he wanted.... well, maybe he did? Anywayz, yeah, superpowers and Ben puts them in the spotlight by saving someone on a bridge.

I forget, is the flustered not-quite-remembering things supposed to be casual charming? Yeah yeah, I know, "shaddup you."

So, I guess if Elon Musk was cursed with superpowers, he would turn out to be Vic VD ? While Reed is scrambling to find a way to "cure" them, cuz his best friend is a big orange rock, Johnny is all jazzed at being as hot as he thinks he is in real life. Meanwhile Sue is mainly tortured because there was a reason she broke up with Reed in the first place. But Reed actually does invent a way to cure them, it just needs an awful lot of power, of which, Von Doom has at his finger tips -- literally. He briefly makes Ben human, just so he can piss off the others, and then they have to duke it out with him, as he goes all.... well, literally supervillain. Through the Power of Working Together (Ben rocks out again) they stop Von Doom dooming (pun intended) to being a solid hunk of metal.

Its a serviceable superhero origin movie with the requisite amount of shoe-horned in comic book behaviour, and minimal attempts to be all Hollywoody. I mean, Von Doom is hand-wringing Evil just because (again, Elon anyone?) and despite Reed actually understanding what he has to do to revert them back to being human, they decide to stay Super. But is fun and charismatic.

And while the same director did the next movie, oh wow, it is terrible, like proper terrible.

It starts with a "oh woe is us, we are celebrity superheroes who just cannot catch a break and have normal lives". I mean, they obviously decided to be superheroes, so Y B Normal? Sue wants a proper wedding, Ben and Johnny argue like 10 year olds, and Reed doesn't want to take a break from science in order to actually get married. That is until the Silver Surfer crashes their wedding. 

Reed had already broken his "no science-y stuff until married" promise to Sue by building something for an Angry General (with a Hot Adjunct [Beau Garrett, Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce], who rebuffs Johnny) to track something causing Climate Change around the world. Angry General (Andre Braugher, Brooklyn 99) doesn't really want to work with Reed, but, y'know, you need to track the Bad Thing in order to shoot at it. But it doesn't really go well, and the wedding is ruined, so Angry General just goes to his second choice -- Victor Von Doom, who is no longer a solid hunk.

Sorry, getting ahead of myself. 

They have discovered that if they touch, their powers exchange, leading to annoying Hijinx: Sue gets Johnny's and burns her clothes off (cue the construction worker wolf-whistling), Ben gets Johnny's powers and Johnny becomes an orange rock, etc. Except for scenes when they don't exchange their powers, because hijinx were not important to the scene. 

Also, they track the surfboard based cosmic energy to Deep Space, where there is a trail of destroyed planets, and to England where a run-in with the Surfer (the aforementioned Bad Thing) damages the big ferriswheel and drains the Thames. Technically the river is still flowing so I am not sure how they drained the entire that quickly. Sorry, but this kind of stuff in shitty movies bugs me -- if anything, we should be seeing some sort of diminished flow for a good long time.

Anywayz, it is THIS sort of "doesn't go well" that has Angry General switch over to Doom. That said, he doesn't really do anything and Reed's cosmic energy sucker really does the work. Not sure why, but Angry General still acts like Doom did it. I think he just prefers to be angry.

Anywayz, they store the Surfer (voice of Laurence Fishburne, Hannibal) in a facility in Siberia. Wait, what? Why Siberia? Isn't that on Russian Federation soil? Despite the cold war being mostly over in the early 2000s, don't we still not trust Russia at that time? I mean, at least they could have said "Northern Canada" ? But the Fantastic Four are not jazzed with the idea of imprisoning the Surfer, even though they know he is connected to the destruction of a bunch of planets. But Sue bonds with him, so they free him.

Meanwhile Doom-y has stolen the Surfboard of Power and flies to... China? I guess that is why they had it be in Siberia so they could do a quick flyby of the Great Wall, so Doom could shoot at it with his new surfboard based powers. 

Note, every time he writes "surfboard" a voice (not me) says "whoah man" in a surfbum sort of California accent.

No matter, again they fight Doom in a street (Shang-hai this time) and kind of easily defeat him, but (doom song) Sue is mortally wounded. No matter, Surfy is there to infuse her with cosmic mojo and revive her. 

Oh yeah, Galactus has arrived. The whole point of the movie is supposed to be the arrival of Galactus but "he" plays such second fiddle to everything else in the movie, and BTW, he is just a big cloud of energy. Anywayz, SS sees the Power of Family and decides to sacrifice himself to defeat Galactus.

The End. Well, no quite yet. They finally get married in Japan, only to be interrupted again because "Venice is sinking into the sea". Uh, folks, I hate to break it to you but Venice has been sinking for years. Its a big issue, it makes the news regularly.

The End. Well, not quite -- mid-credit scene shows Surfy is still alive. Why do we care? No seriously, maybe Kent can tell us why we care? Let's live in a fantasy world and assume there was going to be a third movie -- how would the Silver Surfer play into it? What would be the classic FF villain of the week this time?

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Rebel Moon - Part Two: The Scargiver

2024, Zach Snyder (Suckerpunch) -- Netflix

Did I rewatch Part One before watching this? Nope.

And surprisingly, though likely mood is to blame for this, but I really didn't enjoy this one. I guess that means I kind of sort of maybe enjoyed myself watching the first one? Part Two just irritated me, and mostly for all the reasons the first one should have.

Quick recap: The Seven Samurai in space. That's it. That's all you get. Except that the Good Guys think they have defeated the Bad Guy and return to the small village, hoping to find peace. That delusion lasts about ten seconds.

So, before i get into it, I just need to get this out. Why is the movie sub-titled as The Scargiver? Yes, its because people are now calling Kora (Sofia Boutella, Star Trek Beyond) such, but why?!?! You would assume she was given the moniker after she betrayed her adopted father during his coup, maybe .... giving him a big ol nasty scar? But nope, its because the Bad Guy, Admiral Noble (Ed Skrein, Game of Thrones; oh wait; BOTH Daario Naharis actors are in these movies?!?!? tee hee!!) who she initially assumes is dead, is resurrected by the Space Nazi Priest Scientists and chooses to leave a scar. But that happened like, ten minutes ago, not long enough to establish a legendary label.

It is this first minor, admittedly quibbley detail that gives me a hint that Snyder kind of rushed through this part, tweaking the fuck out of it for some unknown reason. Its not like there can be any Purple Suit futzing with his vision, as anyone who would now give Snyder gobs of money to make his petulant Star Wars replacement must be entirely onboard with it? So, did he get bored between one and two? Did he just not feel satisfied with the response to the first movie, and just want to rush this one to completion, and move on?

I don't have answers; just frustration.

So, given The Seven Samurai we know that the gathered weirdo vagabond heroes have to prepare the village for the attack by the Bad Guy and his forces. The Bad Guys want grain, cuz, reasons. I am still not convinced they would commit this much effort to one small moon, for grain. If they need food, why not just resort to their SOP which is taking over entire worlds? I am sure if they just resisted the urge to bomb the planet into dust there would be plenty of food for the taking. But, no, need excuse for Seven Samurai ripoff, so ... grain laden moon Veldt. 

And training, lots of training. It always strikes me as odd in these training sequences, where they have a limited number of weapons and ammo, but use up a fuck ton of said ammo shooting at badly made dummies or bottles, so at least one straw sucking village can prove an aptitude with a big gun. At least the movie removes the "go to Providence and buy more weapons, and hire thugs" element by saying, "the Bad Guy will return in ... five days!!"

Five Days. That's how long they have before the Bad Guys return to the moon, for their grain. The trope requires us to speed run the grain harvest -- at least this movie is built upon the movie that established most of these kinds of tropes. I won't dig into whether Kora and Friends have been gone long enough for the grain to actually have grown while they were gone. The dusty fields were just being plowed in the last movie. But no, they need to condense weeks, if not months or harvesting all those fields spread all the way to the horizon, into THREE DAYS. And then leave two days to the training sequence and DIGGING TUNNELS. Also, they feel a need to mill the grain into flour. The whole point of actually getting the grain out of the fields is to build a barrier between the village and the Bad Guy's guns. Not a physical barrier but a, "If you need this grain so badly, we dare you to destroy our village from orbit!!"

So, being the movie that it is, and we have collected a bunch of weirdos to defend the village, they feel a need to explain them to us. So each character gets a flashback moment. General Titus (Djimon Hounsou, Seventh Son) betrayed the Space Nazis and his own men were blown up in front of him, as punishment. Nemesis (Bae Doona, The Silent Sea) came from a peaceful village whose people had a dark past (that's different, not her dark past but her entire village's) and she cuts off her arms so they can be replaced with murdery robot arms that can weird the lightsabre replacement lazer sword. Tarak (Staz Nair, Game of Thrones), despite never wearing a shirt, does not come from a Conan the Barbarian primitive world but was quite the floppy hat wearing dandy, until his people all died. And Milius (Elise Duffy, debut) was just another victim of the Space Nazis, no real big backstory, but that she was saved by The Rebels -- the same rebels that was the whole point of the first movie, but who (well, those that chose to come to Kora's assistance) were all killed in the first movie; all but Milius. And that's the bunch of weirdos. The backstories, albeit standard-fare Snyder pretty-to-watch, are boring AF.

I guess that is what irritated me most about the movie. As it has to rely heavily on the format we have seen time and time again, it does nothing really interesting or new with the plot structure or tropes. And the plot holes and plot blunders just pile up, one after the other. 

For example, Nemesis is supposed to be the ultimate in bad-ass warriors, using swords when everyone has brought a gun to the fight. But she has one fight, gloriously (*extreme eye roll*) defending the village's elderly and children and women (?!?!?) against a small force of blue lazersword wielding Bad Guys. Sure, this Bad Guy force gets a name, implying they are likely an elite force, but there are about five of them. She kills a bunch but dies. One battle. Swords. Dead Bad Ass. And let's ignore that there is no fucking good reason the women of the village are holed up in there, and you can clearly see in the final scene of that fight, that there are a few young, not children, strapping lads hiding out in the barn. 

For example, the Bad Guys have spider tanks. They drop a bunch of them on the battlefield at the beginning. The farmers destroy one with a rocket launcher (do they? or was that a drop ship?) and Jimmy the Robot (WTF is up with that stupid name) destroys one, during his extremely brief appearance that entirely undermines his cool establishing scenes in the first movie. But the movie forgets the rest of the spider tanks exist until the final WAH HOO (!!!) Millennium Falcon scene when The Rebels finally appear and bomb the shit out of the remaining spider tanks. I guess they were just out standing in the fields, awaiting orders.

But there is one fun sequence, when Kora and Gunnar (Michiel Huisman, Game of Thrones) sneak onto the Big Ship to blow it up from within. Her presence is detected so that leads to another stand-off between Kora and the now resurrected Admiral Noble. She plants her bombs, they go off, but Noble intercepts her before they escape, so the battle in the crashing ship is pretty cool. It is after the destruction of this dreadnought that The Rebels arrive to just do a mop up, fly by, and yet it is considered a saving grace scene.

I don't have any strong, definitive reason why this part, as in Part Two, the entire movie, bugged the stuffing out of me, while the admittedly terrible first part got two (enjoyed) watchings from me. Maybe I like establishing stories better than closing ones? Or maybe I need a ReWatch (shudder) in order to get a better read?

That said, while it has not been stated out loud, this movie did setup either a third part, or more likely, a spin off series that is totally not going to be a Seven Samurai ripoff. I wonder whether we will even see that, as we still have to get some extended, super duper, R rated, Snyder Cuts. Yay?

ReWatch: GeoStorm

2017, Dean Devlin (Leverage) -- Netflix

The post for the original DL and watch was eaten by the Great Hiatus of 2018, cuz I guess it came available early in the year after it was released in ... cough ... theatres.

This is not a good movie. Disaster movies rarely are. This new blend of scifi actioner and disaster even less so. But, of course, it elicits the squee's out of me with its silly, bombastic, explodey heroism. This Guy has That Guy sitting in the corner shaking his head.

A few alternate realities ago, Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich were a producing team behind most of the last three decades of disaster movies. In this reality, its mainly Emmerich, but Devlin was there for Independence Day and Godzilla. But obviously he still has the bug for watching the world die.

Interesting how both those posts start with, "I hated this movie when it first came out." I think That Guy may be doing more than shaking his head with you days. I think he may be distancing himself from you entirely.

The fun thing about this movie, as it is with all scifi flicks, is that it was done in the 2017s, but is set not long after, when the world begins to suffer true disaster from Climate Change (foreboding music). The world comes together to fight it, and builds Dutch Boy, after the fictional kid who fingered a dyke. Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler, Reign of Fire) is the magician scientist engineer cowboy who brings it online, but only after pissing off all his bosses, cuz said cowboyisms. He is replaced by his brother Max (Jim Sturgess, Heartless) who has a government job, so that qualifies him to run a high-science space station and satellite network, amiright?

Then, when the US was handing off control to the world (not sure how they were in control considering the "multi-nation coalition" that built the thing, but sure, Go USA) things begin to go wrong. Weather Satellites begin freezing people and blowing shit up. And Max traces it back to a conspiracy. The only person able to fix it is his estranged brother, cuz reasons. 

Jake goes to the space station, which in this near-future is absolutely MASSIVE having actual hangar bays that a space shuttle can land in, to bring these nerdy scientist types in line with his cowboyisms! Rah rah, Go USA! Yes, they do make a comment that he is British, but no matter, he lives in a airstream trailer in the Florida Keys, so Go USA !

He and Max do uncover said conspiracy, but still, have to blow up the space station in order to stop a GeoStorm, a mythical phenomena where all the world's bad storms will come together and DESTROY THE WORLD ! Max and his Secret Service GF (Abbie Cornish, Sucker Punch) find out it is the vice-POTUS (Ed Harris, West World) behind everything because he's salty that the US of A had to hand over power to the rest of the world. Together they blow shit up and shoot people as Jake is blowing up the space station, eliminating the GeoStorm but escapes along with tag-along the German nerdy scientist hottie (Alexandra Maria Lara, Rush).

Rah rah, world saved, Go USA!

I cannot say for sure why these movies thrill me. They rarely strive to make any sense. Maybe part of me wants to watch the world burn. Maybe part of me wants to applaud big dumb heroism. But obviously someone in a purple suit (not Devlin or Emmerich; they have normal shiny suits and are still producing from a certain kind of passion) knows they fill a niche in the human psyche cuz they will always be made, they will always make a certain amount of money (just enough, I guess?) and will continue to find an audience of people like me.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Retirement Plan

2023, Tim Brown (Treasure Hounds) - Netflix

This utterly terrible movie is a product of a Darius Films signed deal to make movies in the Cayman Islands. It is an action comedy about a retired hitman / assassin / govt stooge hiding out, drunkenly, in the Caymans until his estranged daughter comes to him, wrapped up in a problem with Miami mobsters. The entire movie comes off like a Hallmarkie purple suit made a crime thriller. But in a beautiful locale. I fully suspect it will be rolled into the recurring dream I have where I am a caretaker of an estate who lives in a shack on the beach. Maybe that's a good cover for a retired hitman?

Anywayz, Ashley (Ashley Greene Khoury, Twilight) and her husband run afoul of Miami gangster Donnie, and Ashley sends her daughter head to the Caymans to hide out with her estranged father Matt (who also has another name to add comedy, and make his character seem well-rounded; he is not) but she is caught before she can follow. Donnie sends a pair of goons, who Matt kills one of, while the other runs off with the granddaughter. So Donnie sends more guys, who also die, so Donnie and the rest of his goons fly to the Caymans. Meanwhile... oh never mind, suffice to say that the movie attempts to add in a double-cross and triple-cross sub-plot that just falls entirely flat. Eventually all goons die and family is reunited.

This movie is so bad. In other hands, non-Hallmarkie-directing-style hands, it could be a serviceable cookie-cutter thriller, but the movie does nothing with nothing. Sure, it has Nick Cage and a handful of other "that guy(s)" character actors who at least try not to phone it in. Nick Cage is even dialled back a 100-fold so you don't often get to see him just being his bug-eyed, rambling self.  There is nothing worth watching in this movie other than looking at the drone & copter shots of the Cayman Islands.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Meg 2: The Trench

 2023, Ben Wheatley (High-Rise) -- download

Waitafucking second; Ben Wheatley of Kill List acclaim did this utterly shite movie?!?!

Waitafucking second; these movies are based on a series of novels that started in the 90s?!?!

Yeah, and you have a point? Kind of? OK then.

Its not just me who is surprised that Wheatley is directing this movie when you see Google already had an autofill for, "Why is Ben Wheatley directing the Meg 2". Most reviewers are surprised and those who get the interviews are not even attempting to challenge the choice, but they do often... question it. But all you have to do is look at his handful of movies to see that he wants to do big budget Hollywood movies, and he is willing to play in many fields to accomplish this. Its kind of a shame he never got to do Tomb Raider 2 but with the current shuffles in Hollywood, maybe he will.

P.S. The writeup for the first movie got eaten (*cough*) by the 2018 Hiatus. I really should do a ReWatch writeup. I legitimately enjoy that one.

Anyway, the megalodons from the trench are back, minus the the. The title makes it sound a movie about a vengeful nanny taking on the a band of corrupt ditch diggers. And back again are The Chinese Backers. I think I need a new mind's eye visual for what Chinese Backers look like to me, to match the Purple Suited Producers. Either way, this movie feels very backed by the Chinese film industry, but without the need to be a Chinese movie. But unlike the first movie, it doesn't even attempt at being a solid blockbuster; it knows its a stupid summer action movie, but unfortunately kind of thinks you are stupid for looking forward to it, like I did.

Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham, Crank) is no longer a deep sea rescue diver hiding in a bottle, from the trauma of his last rescue gone bad. Given he just rescued a bunch of people from a megaladon shark, he should be back in the deep sea diving business, but instead, he's an... eco-warrior? Why? So we can have an action-hero reintroduction sequence for the character.

With the death of the research platform's leader Dr. Zhang, and (in between movies) his daughter Suyin (?!?! guess they couldn't get her to return to the role) the Mana One is now led by Zhang's son Jiuming (Jing Wu, The Wandering Earth) and his new foreign investor Hillary Driscoll (Sienna Guillory, Resident Evil: Apocalypse). Of note, all foreign investor billionaires are Bad Guys, or at the very least, assholes. Also, they have a new pet -- a "baby" megaladon named Haiqi who Jiuming thinks he can do the Jurassic World / Owen Grady thing with -- Owen had his hand signals, Jiuming has a clicker. Nobody trusts that it works.

Mana One is actually doing well, exploring the scary trench below the thermosphere, Where Monsters Dwell. They have some tech to hide / defend from said beasties, but what they don't expect are The Spanish... mining pirates. Someone has learned of and snuck an entire mining operation into the trench, and they don't take kindly to the Mana One subs poking their noses in. One big explosion later and both Mana One subs are stranded on the bottom. And the cast is forced to rip-off Underwater by walking across the bottom of the trench to take refuge in the mining pirate base.  Insert requisite deaths of a few characters whose names you didn't remember. Based on recent news about catastrophic implosions, I was surprised they retained this scene. Inside the pirate base there is only one Bad Guy to punch before they can escape, aided by a scene that could only have been done to generate Outrage Articles, which in turn generate buzz for the movie -- I am pretty sure that blowing air out of your sinuses would not allow you to free swim at 25,000 feet down.

So, act one, in the trench, some explosions so as to setup the real movie -- releasing more megs that will once again gravitate towards a resort beach, and the Mana One crew will have to chase after. But not before the mid-act where they are betrayed, have to fight off mercenaries with machine guns, because... well, Chinese Backing, and make the Bad Guy Pirate (who keeps on barely surviving) cry over his chomp-chomp'd girlfriend. But whatever, we don't care about this part of the movie, as we want to see the sharks swim up to overcrowded beaches and EAT PEOPLE !

Unlike this first one, they actually do this time. Lots of people. Cameras shot from inside the mouths of the shark, mouths filled with panicking swimmers, lots of people. It must be horrible to be eaten alive. Nope explored the absolute horror of the idea, as you would survive the initial swallow only to ... well, better not to think it through. Let's just say its not likely you are cutting your way out with a knife. This movie just captures the brief shot and then moves onto the next snack. And yet, strangely, lets the annoying fashion dog live... again.

Meanwhile, the utterly stupid mercenary addition continues so not only is Taylor thinking up ludicrous ways to blow up megaladons (sharp stick, liquid explosive, jump the shark [literally]) but they are also fighting off guys with guns AND another attempt at ripping off a Jurassic movie by having, apparently, amphibious, raptor dinosaur monsters running around eating additional people. Jonas and the Mana One Crew (not a boy band) are running around the resort island (last time it was just a resort beach, this time they get an entire island) fending off bad guys and raptor dinosaur monster wolf dogs mixing it up with a few sharks blowed up a real good, a giant OCTOPUS for good measure, finally dealing Bad Guy Pirate a final measure and once again saving the day. The final act is just terrible action-movie scene after terrible action-movie scene, but still, once again, with enough funding (Chinese Backers!) to rise above Asylum.

P.S. Jiuming does the clicker thing so Jonas doesn't have to blow up the third shark, which is Haiqi -- insert relieved laughter.

One final note. Because they killed off the love interest for Jonas, from the first movie, they had to deal with the fact she had a daughter. She is now a teen whom Jonas is raising. So, following the tradition of How To Make a Sequel Worse, they added a stupid kid running around doing stupid things.

I like my Dumb Monster Movies, my creature features, but this one just pushes past the envelope of expected tropes and tries to toss in ALL the summer blockbuster elements, and fails in all cases. In a past life, this would have been the underfunded sequel made by a different producer that went straight to video. Except.... Chinese Backers.

I am pretty sure I prefer my Big Dumb Blockbuster Chinese movies to be actual Chinese movies, not Big Dumb Hollywood movies wearing a Chinese Backer mask. And with that said, the Wandering Earth II sequel to the seminal Big Dumb Chinese Blockbuster is now on Prime !!

OK, one MORE final note: there were soooooo many utterly terrible posters to choose from, I was almost tempted to do the Kent Thing and insert many.... OK I did.