Kung-fu Quarters: Four HBO (Asia) Originals

Master of the White Crane Fist: Wong Yan-Lam (2019, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Nine Dragon Fist: Wong Ching-Ho (2019, d. Si Xiaodong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Drunken Fist: Beggar So (2016, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)
Master of the Shadowless Kick: Wong Kei-Ying (2016, d. Guo Jianyong - HBO/Crave)

[I am by no means an expert, nor a connoisseur when it comes to kung-fu, wuxia or Chinese martial arts history, so please excuse me any ignorance I may have to the titular characters of these films or the historical contexts they might find themselves in. ] 

On all the streaming services I am subscribed to I have a watchlist. They're never well-curated, usually just a dumping ground for anything that seemed to have an interesting description, or maybe I had heard about on a podcast, or maybe stars or is directed by someone I kind of like. If it was *really* something I wanted to watch, I would have watched it already and taken it off the list.

On Crave -- a Canadian streaming service with its own original content, as well as curated new release and older movies, and, with the extended package, all of HBO's content -- I discovered these four films. I think Crave had a little Jackie Chan kick for a month or two and these came up in the "More Like This" section.

Given their titles, they all seemed of a piece, perhaps even a connected series, which seemed intriguing enough, so I added them to "My Cravings" and saved them for a later day.  In the frequent perusing of my various watchlists when looking for something to watch, I've passed these over dozens upon dozens of times, sometimes even wondering why they are on there.

With seemingly nothing but time this past week (not true, but seemingly) I started chipping away at "My Cravings". Master of the White Crane Fist was the first of this quartet to be chosen for no other reason than it was the shortest and it was late.

I can't really express why this very middling TV movie spurred me on to watch another, which was of even lesser quality, which then spurred me on to watch another, and by that point I might as well just finish them off. 

I'm not really lying when I say these feel like the kung-fu version of Hallmark movies. They've got some budget but corners are definitely cut in the production values category. The lighting is often natural and oversaturated giving the image an amateurish feel, while the sets can range from decently immersive to obviously anachronistic.  If they were all shot on a studio backlot in China somewhere I wouldn't be surprised, as everything seems so crisp and new, unweathered and not lived in.  One exterior setting in Master of the Nine Dragon Fist reminded me of a Disneyworld main drag.

These films are not really connected in any way, save for the fact that three of the four were directed by the same man, Guo Jianyong, which explains the samey-samey vibe of them, not to mention the speed-up/slow-mo/speed-up pseudo-Zack Snyder technique they use constantly that just makes my teeth itch. But I cannot solely blame Guo because, woof, those scripts all needed at least two more passes before they were ready to shoot.

From my limited experience with historical kung-fu of the Shaw Bros. classics and the like, these seem like they're trying to pay homage to them in terms of both story structure and kung-fu spectacle. But these films make two critical errors. First is they are each too self-serious, they play too far into the melodrama and not far enough into the sense of camp and visceral violent fun. Second, they are using digital cameras instead of film, and there's a surreal grittiness to film that is absolutely lost with the crisp brightness of digital high-definition. These films needed a filter or even a digital pass to mute the brightness. They feel largely sterile.

While I compare them to the rote, predictable Hallmark movies, I also need not remind the loyal Disagreeables (that's you, dear reader) that we have a thing for Hallmark movies over here. We're not snobs.  And in the same way that one can find value in the differences between one Hallmarkie and the next, I too could see the differing redeemable qualities in these HBO Asia/China Movie Channel productions.

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Master of the White Crane Fist: Wong Yan-lam wound up being my favourite of the four, largely because its opening half quickly won me over. It starts with a gang of bandits taking over a tea house theatre, cutting then to a troupe of guards walking their heavily manacled prisoner in the rain, only to arrive at said tea house. The tension becomes thick as the bandits have to play nice to the very suspicious head guard. And then enter Wong Yan-lam, a travelling prognosticator who appears seemingly out of nowhere and gleefully starts engaging the very confused room. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and this quite Poirot-esque mystery builds up exceptionally well for a good forty minutes before it all deflates unsatisfying like a  balloon in a thresher. 

The second half fumbles around trying to concoct reasons for people to fight in between melodramatic exposition. The fight coordination is not bad at all (which can be said for all of the films) but it's not always shot the best nor does the fighting always feel cohesive to the story or character. I mean you think for a film called "Master of the White Crane Fist" that it would spend some time setting up how awesome the "white crane fist" technique is and then showcase said technique, at least in defeating the main villain. But no, the big climax of the film decends into a no-holds barred street-style brawl, which, I have to say, is a pretty fresh thing to do in a kung-fu movie.  All the actors present are particularly good, but the lead actor playing Wong Yan-lam is super charming, and the lead villain actor has the most wonderfully nasty charisma (the credits were too small to read and there's no listings for performers on IMDB or Letterboxd).

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With only a couple exceptions, which I will most definitely get to, the performers in Master of the Nine Dragon Fist: Wong Ching-Ho are also extremely charming. Master Wong himself is the standout but strangely Master Ho is almost the secondary character of this film, as it follows for a long time Man Sing, a Northerner who has come to Guangzhou with his family to find work at on of the city's many kung-fu schools, only to be ostracized for being a Northerner.  The inner-country prejudices are just as prevalent in this film as are the anti-western, anti-opiate sentiments that frame the story.  Man Sing, master of the Iron Shield skill, protects his family from assault by rioting rival schools, but is left desperate without money, food or lodging, and has nowhere to turn but the unscrupulous western opiate trader Mr. James.

Mr. James, in collusion with the local authorities, sets Man Sing out in the streets to challenge all the school masters to a kung-fu duel, to prove who is the most talented in the city.  The intent is to undermine Master Wong's attempts to organize the schools into an anti-opioid patrol, as well as his opiate addiction recovery clinic. While everyone agreed that Master Wong is the most talented, Man Sing surely can give him a run for his money. But Mr. James stacks the deck against him by having his pregnant wife targeted by street thugs, and later has Master Wong arrested for opioid possession (I think he was treating opiate addiction in a methadone kind of way) during which one of the city guard ruthlessly punches his pregnant wife in the gut killing her and the baby...in broad daylight...in front of dozens of witnesses... with no repercussions. ACAB, man. ACAB.

There's a lot of injustice heaped upon poor Master Wong, and for him to triumph in the end means that our poor, deceived, ostracized Northern master Man Sing must lose, and it's so unintentionally soul crushing... I have to wonder if the filmmaker is sort of an anti-Northerner bigot himself, or if it's just careless scripting?

One of the most bizarre aspects of the film is opiate trader Mr. James. He's played by a white performer who is not much of an actor at all. He spends almost all of his time in the film comically looking out a second story window with a spyglass. When he's not doing that, he's stroking his beard menacingly. Or half-grin smirking, menacingly. The performer has no idea what to do with his hands or his face. He's also completely dubbed, both in English and Cantonese (I think...I looked it up and Cantonese, not Mandarin is the traditional language of Guangzhou) by a Chinese performer. The English dialogue is almost unintelligible, while Mr. James's Cantonese (?) voice is hilariously nasal and mumbly. (I think they're further taking the piss out of him). Mr. James is a hilarious cartoon white devil villain and serves as the butt of a very anti Western message... which I have no problem with.

The absurdity of Mr. James elevates this film to nearly "so bad it's good" territory, but its crimes towards Man Sing (including his unbelievably shrill nagging wife) and fridgeing Master Wong's wife really bring the mood down something fierce.

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My experience with other drunken fists/masters/boxing in film and TV it it has always had a tremendously playful aspect to it, but beyond the initial encounter between "Master of the Drunken Fist" So Chan (as written in the movie description but written as Su Can within the film's subtitles) and Lau Pak-Gwai taking place under a very tall dining table there's not a lot of fun to be had in the technique here. Master of the Drunken Fist:Beggar So is an overly self-serious movie that follows Su Can's journey from brash and cocky military scholar, poised to be the next great commander, only to have a sudden and immediate downfall into poverty, mostly as a part of the convoluted machinations from the eunuch Song Fok-Hoi.

Now, Song Fok-Hoi is actually a pretty tremendous cartoon villain, and I wish this film could embrace the campiness the actor brings to the role by matching it everywhere else, but it seems to think it's doing some important historical storytelling...on a Hallmark budget.

It's also a script that can't decide what's more important: Su Can's overplayed redemption story or Song Fok-Hoi's overwrought ambition to, what, stop a rebellion attempting to depose the Dowager Empress as she's wielding too much control over her Emperor child...or something. I really couldn't follow the politics at play here and its storytelling suffers greatly for how much it entangles itself in Fok-Hoi's plans, especially in the climax which reveals schemes within schemes within schemes. Unnecessary.

That all said there are some likeable performances from all the main leads, but it's really a shame that Lau-Pak Gwai is not in the film more, he abruptly departs at the halfway point. I assumed he was off to have a showdown with his old nemesis Fok-Hoi, but, upon review, it seems he just turned tail and ran into the woods. Unheroic.

This story really needed to use The Mask of Zorro as a template, investing more into the mentorship and romance (oh boy the romance between Su Can and Yoke-Long is all over the place tonally -- including an abruptly started and just as abruptly cut away sex scene -- as is Yoke-Long's characterization).

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The final film, Master of the Shadowless Kick: Wong Kei-Ying, doesn't even have the good graces of good performances. Our lead playing Wong Kei-Ying is a dry, charmless performer who may yield sympathy but not much else.

Wong Kei-ying is legendary Wong Fei-hung's father, and little Fei-hung does appear in the film. It was only after the film that I reminded myself who Wong Fei-hung is (Once Upon a Time In China, Iron Monkey, Drunken Master) and suddenly it made sense as to why the film was so focused upon us hearing his squeaky little voice calling out for his father all the damn time, and then the film ends with a post-script mentioning Wong Fei-hungs impending greatness (it really undercuts Wong Kei-ying's importance as the lead of the film, it really, really does). 

The story of Fei-hung's dad, starts out pretty rough but builds in intrigue through its first half with a intricately woven plot that finds Fei-hung's dad embroiled in helping a government official take on an opium gang, only to later learn that said official has kidnapped his master and deceived him into handing him full control over Guangzhou's drug trade.

Like Master of the White Crane Fist, the film's second half is unable to sustain this intrigue the first half establishes, as once Fei-hung's dad discovers General Wei is no hero, he's unable to hide any moves against the General, and ultimately winds up hooked on opium in an ill-advised cinematic side quest. Eventually, Fei-hung's dad must rescue his child (Fei-hung if you didn't know!), sister-in-law and other friends he's made along the way from the General in a tournament of death, which is mostly entertaining if it didn't feel so out of place and unlikely to resolve the far bigger societal problems at hand in the film.

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While Wong Kei-Ying and Wong Ching-Ho both explore China's problematic history with opium and government corruption, it's not really the common thread for all. There could be revenge plots in each of these films, but revenge never ultimately seems to be the motivating factor for the heroes in question, there's always got to be some nobler goal. But in robbing these characters of their revenge fantasies (which these films do repeatedly) the catharses of the films are all pretty much negligible. I didn't find any of the endings very satisfying.

These films, running between 86 and 98 minutes, still feel too long by at least 20 minutes. They should be far tighter, and again, much more fun to watch.

If I had to watch any of them a second time, it would be Master of the Nine Dragon Fist just for being sheer bonkers, yet, I don't think I can really recommend any of these when I know there are far better kung fu and wuxia products out there that deserve eyeballs much more than these.  

1-1-1-KsMIRT: April twice around

K'sMIRT is Kent's Month in Reviewing Television, where each month (or twice each month?!?) I step through the TV series I completed watching each month in the 1 Great-1 Good-1 Bad format.  These are shows I finished (or was finished with) in the past two-ish weeks. 

This Month (part 2):
Shogun - Disney+/FX/Hulu
Fallout Season 1 - AmazonPrime
3 Body Problem Season 1 - Netflix 
Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent - CityTV 

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Shogun (10 of 10 episodes watched)

The What 100: In 1600 Japan, the Taiko is dead, and his heir is too young to yet rule. Five regents rule in his stead. But Lord Toranaga sees the machinations of the other regents, the power they lust for, and the Catholic religion starting to hold sway over decisions being made for the county. He is targeted, impeached and marked for death. He retreats to his lands, but with sophisticated cunning. At the same time arrives Protestant English sailor John Blackthorne, with a warning of the ill dealings of the Portuguese Catholics. He too makes immediate enemies but finds an ally in Tornaga. Catholic Mariko, hailing from a disgraced family and married to an abusive but revered samurai, is assigned as his translator by her Lord, Toranaga, and the two find connection. Things get complicated. Very, very complicated. For everyone.

(1 Great) One great thing about this show is...this show. It is thoroughly great from start to finish. Every aspect of it works, and works well. I cannot think of a wrong step it makes. Visually it is pure allure, just a feast for the eyes. The costuming, the sets, the landscapes all are so evocative and apparently the dedication to accuracy is there in recreating Japan on the British Columbia coastline. It is an epic story but managed tightly and efficiently. It features a sprawling cast of characters, all who are managed so, so well. Even among the dozen or two seemingly minor players, they still get their own arcs.  We see who they are to start with and where they wind up, and how they've changed is evident. Each character gets enough moments to have an impact (with the exception of our sailor pal played by Nestor Carbonell who sets asea in the second episode). 

(1 Good) It cannot be understated how brilliantly this American show manages to divorce itself from western standards. That it has a white character who is important to the story, but cannot be called the lead character, and who appropriately disappears into the background, or off-screen altogether for long stretches while the other performers deliver long sequences of subtitled Japanese dialogue, it's pretty unreal. But it feels more natural than had they tried to force Blackthorne into being The Protagonist.  Equally good is the way the show throws the audience into the deep end of Japanese politics and culture, largely without turning Blackthorne into a expository gravity well.

(1 Bad) If I need to nitpick, it's that I wanted more Nestor Carbonell. But the show in no way needed more Nestor Carbonell. As well, I didn't think a lot of the fighting sequences (and there weren't many) were exceptionally well choreographed...but then most of the fights that happen were about the story impact and not making an impressive-looking fight sequence.  The CGI was decent (used largely for boat scenes or rendering 1600's Osaka, but still was very CGI. One can't expect too much out of the CGI on a TV show of this sprawling scale, so it really didn't bother me

META: I have not read James Clavell's novel, nor have I seen the 1980 TV mini-series adaptation, so I don't have those as frames of reference. What I do have is the recent experience of watching 30+ Japanese Godzilla films and some history with samurai movies.  As such, I wasn't really prepared for this, in terms of the culture and traditions being so foreign to me.  However, like Blackthorne, I quickly came to respect it if not always understand or embrace it.  Blackthorne is unkindly called "barbarian" throughout the show, but himself sees aspects of Japanese culture as particularly barbaric. But eventually he see the culture of honour and tradition as something admirable and sophisticated, as does the audience (and it's not all through his eyes).  And will I see a more likeable character on screen than Kashigi Yabushige, even when he's being utterly terrible. I don't think so. I hope we get more Tadanobu Asano all the time, everywhere.

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Fallout Season 1 (8 of 8 episodes watched)

The What 100: It's over 250 years in the future of an alternate reality where the asthetics of the 1950's never abated. The world got nuked and a small number of people went underground in corporate-built-and-sold "Vaults" where society has persevered with one mission in mind...outlast the radiation then return to the surface to restore order to a wild land. Of course, the surface has other plans, an irradiated wild west show full of mutants, the chemically undead, and a lot of desperation. The surface invades Vault 33 and take Lucy's dad (Kyle McLachlan), the beloved Vault administrator. Lucy (Ella Purnell) ventures to the surface, against everyone's wishes, and finds tenuous allies in The Ghoul (Walton Goggins), a centuries old bounty hunter, and Maximus, a squire in the Brotherhood of Steel, all equally seeking a severed head Maguffin that might be the key to saving the world.

(1 Bad) I have to say I wasn't certain how I felt about the show after watching the first two episodes.  Show creator/director Jonathan Nolan (Person of Interest, Westworld) in the first 10 minutes delivers a flashback sequence that ends with nuclear bombs going off in Los Angeles, and then about another 10 minutes later, now in the far-flung future of the late 24th Century, delivers a massacre within a very pop art-styled "Vault". These two scenes are not played for laughs and there's a sort of stone-seriousness to them that, when the show tries to pivot in to archness, it clashes. For both of Nolan's opening episodes the tonal shifts are abrupt and hard to reconcile. It's not until the third episode, in which the characters from different worlds start to really crash into each other, as well as take on some delightful side quests, that the show finds its rhythm (with Nolan still at the help). It's kind of crackling fire from there.

(1 Good) Like Westworld there's a lot of mystery to be untraveled over the past and present timelines, and in the different territories. They are tantalizing mysteries.  Lucy's brother Norm, seen early on as a wimp and coward becomes the bravest person in Vault 33 as he starts asking questions (and finding answers) about the connected Vaults 32 and 31. On the surface, there's so much mystery around how this reality and civilization functions, and it seems like there are competing controlling factions. But Michael Emerson's head contains the salvation of society and everyone wants it. Why?  We find out. It's not an endless puzzle box of mysteries. It seems pretty evident that the show is confident in its abilities to answer the big questions but also give you more to think about.  There's so much to explore.

(1 Great) The greatest enemy in the world of Fallout is not gigantic fleshy mutated beasts, or desperate bandits, but rather the inescapable crutch of capitalism. In flashbacks that double as both the origin of Fallout's post-apocalyptic reality and The Ghoul's, we learn how corporate interests were clearly the motivating factor for the annihilation that happened, and how the very same corporate interests continue to drive, motivate, and collide even in a toxified wasteland.  I should have known Nolan wasn't going to just be delivering an oddball romp for oddball romp's sake.  Not only is it anti-capitalist, but it's anti-establishment and even cocking a eye towards blind faith religion.

META: I've never played a Fallout so I cannot attest in any way, shape or form how well it adapts the video games, nor can I say how fan-service-y it is. I assume it's very fan-service-y. Even I know, through osmosis, the image of Vault Boy, with his gleeful wink and wildly gesticulating thumbs-up gesture, and I delighted in the origin story of this image, as I did with so much of the show. I really want to see the deep dive from a black culture critic looking at the world of Fallout examining the shape of blackness in the wake of the very white-centric culture of the 1950s being the dominant template for life for the next 340 years.  I noticed how the black characters in this spoke in a very over-enunciated, proper midwestern tone, and I really wonder how much the show's creators put thought into it.

[We Agree]

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3 Body Problem Season 1 (8 of 8 episodes watched)

The What 100: Amid Mao Zedong's cultural revolution of China, fervent pro-communist youth beat an prominent astrophysicist to death before a fervent crowd, only his daughter, his greatest protege, protesting. She finds herself at first interned into a work camp, then conscripted into working on a deep space communications program. When she gets a response from an alien civilization, she receives a counter-message not to answer it. Angry at the world, she answers it anyway. Half a century later, this is what happens as a quintet of science nerds in their 30s all find their way into the inner circle of the defence against this alien force. 

(1 Great) There are a lot of Big Ideas in 3 Body Problem and I was really engaged with how liberally the Big Ideas were just tossed out and thrown around the show. What could have easily sustained a 20+ episode season makes for a pretty breakneck 8 episodes of television that, while neither powerful nor perhaps even all that memorable, proved quite entertaining.  

(1 Good) If the show ultimately proves unmemorable, what will no doubt linger is The Boat Scene. If you've seen the show, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't yet, well, you'll know it when you come to it. Speaking of The Boat, it's clearly an analog for Scientology and the Sea Org, right?

(1 Bad) I could lay out a laundry list of things that the show could have done better with.  It's not that they were all bad, just perhaps needed more time to breathe and explore concepts and characters more than they had time to do in 8 episodes. What did start to get to me was the lack of orientation in time. With the exception of the flashbacks, which were very clearly flashbacks, from scene to scene we never really knew where we were in relation to the prior scene. Is it hours since the last scene? Days, weeks or months? The show moves for rapidly through its timeline without truly signifying that it's doing so. Where Shogun was a show that approached its audience as intelligent adults capable of keeping up, 3 Body Problem seems to think its crowd is a gaggle of dumdums who would only get more confused in some numbers popped up on the screen.

META: 3 Body Problem is the first scripted product from Game of Thrones creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss in their reportedly massive deal with Netflix. Having experienced HBO's Game of Thrones I was both optimistic and wary of what the end product would be. These two guys proved that under their guidance they could create a hell of a series when following the template and story of a book, but equally proved that when the source material runs dry, they are about as focused as a deflating balloon zig-zagging around a room. I think 3 Body Problem works but it's almost in spite of itself. If it weren't for the novel laying out the template who knows how great a mess this would be. As it is, I don't have any great emotional attachment or affection for most of the characters, except those played by Benedict Wong and Liam Cunningham who are just unique and charismatic performers.  That said, there weren't any characters or performers I disliked so that's also a feat on its own. 

I hadn't read Liu Cixin's 3 Body Problem novel (because we know I don't read) but I has heard of its successes and, for some reason, equated it to more speculative fiction (eg. extrapolating present scientific or tech breakthroughs into how they might shape a future reality) than wild science fiction about aliens, unbreakable microfibers and weird virtual reality shit (that seems so important, until it's not, which is the show in a nutshell). 

I liked it, reservedly.

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Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent (7 of ? episodes watched)

The What 100: It's Law & Order, but in Toronto. No, not that Law & Order, but rather the Criminal Intent flavour from the Baskin Robbins of Dick Wolf's hyper-extended franchise. 

(1 Great) Lady Kent and I just get a kick out of watching the show navigate Toronto, and we try to fact check it for its locales and timelines getting from point A to B.

(1 Good) Aden Young as Detective Sgt. Henry Gaff is the quintessential erudite police detective. The guy just knows everything about everything. He'd be the guy doing a three-week undefeated run on Jeopardy until he got bored and let someone else win. He has no perceived life outside of police detecting (in true L&O fashion) and yet he seems so cultured that he must constantly be traveling the globe visiting art galleries and reading every biography ever written about anyone ever.  He's a ridiculous person but that's what makes him fun to watch, and Young, with his thick, vague Canadian accent really makes a meal of every scene.  It's all to the detriment of, well, every other cast member who seem like they don't really need to be there, because Det. Sgt. Gaff has it all under control.

(1 Bad) Let's face it, Law & Order is straight copaganda through and through, overvaluing and sensationalizing the capabilities of the police, solving crimes and getting confessions within days, mainly by outsmarting the perpetrators.  It's bullshit that perpetuates itself.  

META: I wanted Law & Order Toronto to be the Law & Order structure, not whatever this Criminal Intent business is. It's a novelty, but I don't know that it will sustain as regular viewing. There's no meat on them bones.

3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Wandering Earth II

2023, Frant Guo (The Wandering Earth) -- Amazon

Speaking of bad movies that at least entertained...

In the first movie, either I misunderstood some things about the Sun dying, or they created this movie to purposely explain some of the things that didn't make sense in the first movie. Yes, the sequel to The Wandering Earth is a prequel, and to be fair, its a proper prequel meant to chronicle the time between deciding to attach rockets and the test of the first rocket. Oh, and the blowing up of the moon. And the invention of AI to help with the control of the rockets.

Of note, someone was listening to my brain. One of the 31 "story ideas" in my head is that the invention of sentient AI is an accidental side-effect of the creation of a computer that is capable of doing the calculations for FTL travel.

The problem with "chronicling the time" is that they wanted to do the span of years, but they also wanted to retain characters we can relate to and root for, so the entire time period between "oh shit, we have to do something!" and first rocket test is barely one generation. No matter, hand wavey time!

So, we begin not long after the discovery that The Sun is dying. They fill in some blanks from the first movie and explain, which I believe is the correct astro physics, that its not that The Sun will burn out and leave the solar system dead cold, but that the quickly dying sun will expand and consume the entire solar system. NASA (IRL) isn't sure The Sun would actually eat us, but they also say it will happen in 6 billion years, not next week, so what do they know. And with this discovery, there are only two solutions: fly the Earth to another solar system, or .., convert everyone to AI so they "can live forever". A very big conflict in the movie is the dispute between what the real choice should be, enough that there are violent rebellious forces that want to bring down Big Rocket.

So, we answered one question and introduced another head scratcher. Why is the AI idea a viable solution? AI requires computers, computers require power and an actual place to house those computers & their power source. If The Sun consumes the solar system, bye bye computers and bye bye AI People. They could have mentioned an idea to build a colony ship that would have AI People on it, instead of living people, but nope, just, "WE SHOULD ALL BE CONVERTED TO AI !!"

Sigh.

The movie begins, post explanatory prelude, with the new teams joining the Space Force funded by all the Governments, ruled by the United Earth Government based out of NYC but mainly controlled by China's generous understanding of everything possible and industrious workforce. A space elevator has been created so they can collect resources from The Moon. But the AI People contingent attack! For some reason, they are so incensed with the Big Rocket idea that they have to destroy it all! The opening attack segment is exciting, a CGI extravaganza full of death and flying machinery and explosions and heroic sacrifices that bond some of our potential heroes. The AI People contingent is inevitably defeated but they do destroy the space elevator. Alas that somehow that doesn't deter Big Rocket's contingency plans. Whatever, hand wavey time!

Oh yeah, they are also building rockets on the moon, so they could move it out of the way. This is where we begin a significant subplot (main plot tangent?) of using an advanced quantum computer bolstered by AI to help with the Big Moon Rocket testing. This particular AI also happens to have the digital consciousness of the late daughter of one of the engineers. Big Moon Rockets are a success. China leads the building of the remaining Big Rockets on the Earth's equator.

Time passes. People get cancer.

It is at this point I realize I dont' really care about the melodramatic tribulations of any of the characters. One main character has cancer and will die, but her husband wants to secure a spot for her in the Big Cities Under the Rockets. Other Main Character is still trying to get his digital daughter into a bigger AI so she can "live a complete life". But I don't care, as I am just enjoying all the CGI tech.

I was never really sure, but I think AI Daughter Guy, who is pissed he hasn't been provided a proper quantum computer for his daughter, uploads her anyway, which is ... connected to the AI computers on the Moon, which causes them to malfunction, which causes them to blow up, which causes the Moon to start to fall. Uhhh, guys, wrong movie. So, to stop The Moon from joining forces with The Sun to fuck up The Earth, they collect all the nuclear missiles and bombs on Earth and deliver them to The Moon to blow that fucker up. They also want to early ignite some of the Big Rockets so they can scoot The Earth over to the left, out of the way of The Moon debris. Yeah, I am pretty sure that is not how gravity works. Whatever, hand-wavey. Also, the nuclear option hits a snag, so they send 300+ astronauts to The Moon with hand-detonators to make noble sacrifices.

BUT, and if you haven't guesses yet, there is one challenge after another in this movie, there is another problem. Years ago they turned the Internet off (cuz, reasons), which they now suddenly need so they can properly ignite Big Rocket to scoot The Earth out of the way. So, not just quantum computer AI but also Big Network to connect it all together. The root server is in Beijing, under water, so deep sea diving scientists have to go there and reboot things, which again involves fuck ups and noble sacrifice. It also makes use of AI Daughter to properly ignite the rockets and The Earth flies away into the wild black yonder.

Waitasec. Wasn't a critical plot of the first movie also all about doing final tests on Big Rocket before igniting them and flying into the wild black yonder? I had assumed this movie's ending was just about scooting out of the way, but the final scenes implied they were actually beginning their journey.

In the end, I guess I was entertained enough to finish it but not entertained enough to re-watch the first movie. I can only assume the third movie will pick up near the end of the journey, some 2500 years in the future when they arrive at Replacement Solar System and... well, probably have to blow up a planet that is sitting in the spot The Earth will need, or some other such nonsense.

P.S. Terrible movie, great poster.

KWIF: Bullet Train (+6)

Kent's Week in Film is this: each week (or so) I have a spotlight movie which I write a longer, thinkier piece about, and then whatever else I watched that week I do a quick little summary of my thoughts... just to speed things along. I usually write this on a Sunday.  Today is Wednesday. This entry covers the past two and a half weeks minus some rewatches.

Bullet Train (2022, d. David Leitch - AmazonPrime)
The Visitor (1979, d. Giulio Paradisi - tubi)
Galaxy of Terror (1980, d. Bruce D. Clark - tubi)
Two Little Boys (aka Deano and Nige's Best Last Day Ever) (2012, d. Robert Sarkies - tubi)
Hercules (1983, d. Luigi Cozzi - tubi)
The Dungeonmaster (1984, d. [x6] - tubi)
The Young Master (1980, d. Jackie Chan - Crave) 

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Sitting pretty evenly between the stylish cool of John Wick (and his world largely populated by assassins) and the overwhelmingly frenetic comedic tone of Deadpool 2 (both in which director Leitch had a hand), Bullet Train is both highly entertaining and allcaps A LOT.

A necessary bio-break meant pausing the movie, and with half the players seemingly dead or out of the picture, I thought "surely we're about to hit the endgame". But the time elapsed showing on screen read 1 hour 10 minutes with another 50+ left to go. That seemed like too much movie. And it was!

Though I was never bored in this latter half of the film, it did lose a lot of its mojo when the boss level shows up, mainly because, at this point, it started to incorrectly think we cared about the larger story it'd been attempting to weave. The problem is Brad Pitt's Ladybug is our central POV character and he's utterly circumstantial to the whole affair of this underlying story, so while the film is trying to invest us in its story from an insider's perspective, we're actually tracking it as an outsider. And given Ladybug's sort of laissez-faire attitude, the film shouldn't care as much about the story as it does. I certainly didn't.

The film does a better job at getting us to care about many of its characters, largely a lot of ruthless killers (Ladybug being the "no guns", trying-to-find-zen exception). Lemon and Tangerine are "The Twins", played by Brian Tyree Henry and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Henry and Taylor-Johnson are both immensely charismatic in this, which sort of neuters their intimidation factor. They're supposed to be a couple of psychos, the dialogue keeps reminding us of this, but the performances and characterization don't really show it.

As said, a very entertaining movie, but also one that constantly thinks were too dumb to keep up with it (given the shape of the world, there may be a point there). It's continually doing visual cutaways or brief flashbacks to moments or objects or people from earlier in the film, because it thinks we've forgotten or aren't paying attention? It also takes a lot of side trips into the various characters histories, but in a very inconsistent manner (some players get extensive history sequences, others don't get any). This imbalance would be more bothersome if the film had any room to breathe, but it's pretty go-go-go from the get go.

There is a lot to drive an astute film goer nuts within Bullet Train, and I can see how the vast amount of real-world improbabilities and impossibilities, on top of the overbearing cinematic devices used in telling its story would be frustrating, annoying or maddening, if you let it be. There's a better, cleaner film within what's presented, sure, but that's not really what its striving for. Taking it just as surface level entertainment, it delivers pretty highly.

[Toasty's take (we agree)]

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Something I enjoy doing all too much is browsing the ghastly Fox-owned streaming service Tubi. It is absolutely overloaded with content with zero discretion as to quality or subject matter. It is currently the best source for 70's/80's also-ran/B-grade genre schlock, the kind that used to lure you in at the video store with a lurid tape-box/sleeve cover image (often a painting of some kind) that falsely presented intoned a film with scale and quality far beyond its means. 

The Visitor jumped out at me primarily because of cast: a young, already leathery-looking Lance Henriksen, Glenn Ford, John Huston, Shelley Winters....  Names like these in schlock is never a demarcation of quality, but it is a lure, as was its description that promised demonitc, telepathic children and an "intergalactic tug-of-war". My mind, as it so often did with the text on the back of the VHS box (paired with the front-of-box painting), reeled with with potential.

The film opens with that potential revealing itself via a stark, desert-like wasteland with an ever-so-alien sky, shot with all manner of low-budge effects tricks. It's very striking. An impressive soundtrack of tones and whistles and scratching strings accompanies a sudden snowfall as a haggard, cloaked old man faces off against an unknown cloaked silhouette.  It's 4 minutes of ominous, menacing, wordless visuals which falls apart the moment a talking head starts to try and fill in the eye-roling mythos for this tale, as a christ-like figure explains its good-vs-evil concept to a group of bald, white robed children in an indoor arboretum.  The film crashes and burns the moment the overwhelmingly 70's funk horns start blaring as we're transitioned to a 5 minute sequence of a basketball game (culminating in a ball exploding, no questions asked) during which any sense of the fantasy of what came before is completely lost.

The film doesn't know what direction its going it, its not at all confident in its plot. I heard tell (via a later listening to the Video Archives podcast) that this was originally scripted as a proposed sequel to a sort of demon-seed pregnancy movie then re-formed into a sci-fi horror.  The kind of confused conception is evident, and the storytelling never settles into its more fantastical plot.  It could have been the original The Orphan had it not reached too high.  It's too boring to be bonkers, ironic viewing, and it's too bonkers to even approach being good. 

BUT IS IT HORROR?
It's more genre thriller or suspense than horror, at least it's trying to be.

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Galaxy of Terror, from Roger Corman's New World Pictures, does a good job at feeling like a film ahead of its time, and by that I mean you could easily mistake it for a cheesy rip-off of sci-fi horror films from 1987 as opposed to 1980.  What works in the film's favour is its incredible set designs, it's moderately competent special effects, and some costuming that isn't outright embarrassing.  The acting is fine but the script is garbage nonsense that doesn't matter.  It's almost like it was written to employ sets, creatures, models and costumes that Corman already had sitting around, and less like they were constructed solely for the purpose of this picture.  I'm sure it's a mix of the two.

A rag-tag team on a rescue mission arrive on a strange planet and encounter the same dangers the prior crew clearly died from.  It's a film built entirely around set-pieces, gross-out gags and tentacle rape.  Sid Haig, Robert Englund, Erin Moran, Ray Walston and others sleepwalk through the meaningless dialogue and tolerate the humiliating horror gags they're forced to suffer through to collect their paycheck.

It's said that James Cameron was working effects on this, when he requested to do second unit filming of the sets to give them more coverage, which got him noticed for his first directorial gig, Piranha 2.  The trivia on this film is kind of more interesting than the film itself.

BUT IS IT HORROR?
sure, barely. It's surely horrible.

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So many of the Kiwi comedy films I've seen seem to center around naive simpletons or awkward oddballs (or both), and I've generally been quite receptive to that sort of thing. There's a subtle, sly tone and balance these films have to sustain, seeing the humour in the oddities of the characters, but also retaining some sense of empathy and affection for them. We want them to succeed, or at least find some growth in their journey (although it seems a particular NZ trait for these characters to kind of learn nothing or refuse to change). 

Two Little Boys (or it's original name, Nige and Deano's Best Last Day Ever) centers its story around two nitwits who are trying to cover up the accidental killing of a Norwegian backpacker in the opening moments of the film, which makes it particularly tough to invest in these characters. I don't know that we want them to get away with it, or if we're even supposed to (Nige's guilt being what it is).

Nige and Deano are estranged best friends reunited by the accident, but very quickly the toxic nature of their relationship returns, and it's clear why Nige wanted to end the friendship in the first place. 

So, if the film doesn't really want us to want the boys to get away with manslaughter, and if it doesn't want us to hope for reconciliation than what outcome exactly are we supposed to want here?

It's not a poorly done movie. There's some interesting editing choices, some fine needledrops, and even some fun vfx and camera trickery. McKenzie, Blake and Pohatu are all really quite good, inhabiting their roles well, making me quickly forget their more prominent personas in Flight of the Conchords, Lego Masters and Wellington Paranormal where I know them each well, but it's just fundamentally flawed story with a thoroughly unsatisfying conclusion (and an even more unsatisfying coda).

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I've watched a couple of Hercules movies in the past year, and they are, when in the hands of Italian filmmakers, passable escapist entertainment.  This one, though, is a spectacularly ill-conceived peplum that tries to smush together all of Hercules' 12 labors into one 90 minute story in an awkward mish-mash of fantasy, sci-fi and mythology that dares to rip-off Superman, Star Wars and Clash of the Titans at once but with a quarter of their budget.

The effects are pretty daring but done on a frugal budget, so they can be either read as really charming or really bad (or perhaps both?).  The costuming, though, is superb, and super sexy.  This is the best Hercules look, methinks, and the ladies are totally va-va-voom without being lurid about it. I was surprised to find the lip sync was totally on point, like, amazingly so. There are also some fairly amazing sets, which the Italians have been great at for some time, but there's also some that really feel the budget limitations.

This was under the Canon film group logo, so there's a sense that this was trying to capitalize upon the success of Masters of the Universe, by mixing sci-fi with fantasy and superheroes, but they would have to take another crack at it a few years later.

So, that final sequence...Hercules is warned that if he removes the sword from the stone, it will result in the awakening of the pheonix.  He needs the sword to fight the big bad guys, and so he does unsheath it.  The phoenix is awakened and the whole bloody island begins to collapse, killing thousands in the process? This is the big heroic ending??

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The Dungeonmaster basically auto-played on Tubi after Hercules. I didn't select it, and I didn't intend to watch it. It opens with a sequence that plays out like an 80's glam metal music video, of a toe-headed man in glasses following in slow motion a woman in a flowing red dress through some weird local architecture that could is weird enough to be vaguely construed as "fantastical" without any set redressing.  She strips, lays on a bed, and beacons him near, only for demonic creatures to break through the wall and capture her, leaving the man, confused. Title sequence and credits. Man wakes up from dream.  The film starts with a cold open. It's rather inane.

We later see the "real life" scenario of this couple, their existence. He's a too-handsome nerd who has made a primitive 80's computer AI assistant that makes his aerobic instructor girlfriend jealous because of how much time he spends with it. Then they seem to get sucked into another dimension, she's chained up, he's in a weird costume, and a tall, deep-voiced, sallow-looking figure tells him they're going to play a game. 

What follows is a series of vignettes, each from a different director, each in a different genre, including a Mad Max-style chase and fighting a Harryhousen-esque stop-motion animate statue. None of it is particularly well-executed, and our "hero" is armed with his AI in a wrist gauntlet that serves as a total deus ex machina in every scenario.

It is supremely goofy 80's genre trash, and yet it's not unwatchable, thanks mostly to a charming Jeffrey Byron. Like most anthologies, it's not very unified, nor is this all that satisfying in whole or in part. But it also doesn't take itself too seriously, which doesn't exactly save it, but does help elevate it somewhat above some of the other more unwatchable low-low-budg fantasy trash of the era.

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I'm not as well versed in Jackie Chan's filmography as I would like to be.  Having recently watched the Police Story trilogy (I know there are more than three, but I've only seen the first three at this point), I have to say I much prefer the fight-coordination-focused Jackie Chan pictures to the stunt-set-piece-focused Jackie Chan. I mean, yes the stunts are cool but...are they maybe only cool because of the end-credits revelations showing the behind-the-scenes attempts?  As opposed to films like Drunken Master or, here, Young Master, where the film is instead built with a simple story meant to weave through a series of fighting set pieces that showcase the performers' physical prowess, Chan's inventiveness, and humour? It's not like the Police Story films take themselves overly-serious, but they're not really comedies, and the fights definitely take second fiddle to the stunts in those films.

I like Chan's sensibilities, and the sheer cleverness and comedic timing that is built into the very balletic martial arts fights needs not just the movement skills, but comedic acting chops as well to sell it all.  In Young Master, Chan and his various scene partners can run up to 10 minutes through a mesmerizing coordinated routine that is as much dance and pantomime as it is kung-fu. It is ridiculously entertaining, and not a single fight seems redundant or repetitive, somehow Chan and crew constantly keep it fresh.  The opening Dragon dance sequence is a stunner, the coordination difficulty level cranked up to 10, as two two-man teams must react to each other team, themselves within the team, and their surroundings, as they traverse the edges of water barrels and climbing to a 10-foot-high narrow platform.  It's at once joyous and intense. 

Chan's direction with Young Master is so much clearer than his Police Story 1 & 2 work, likely because they are somewhat more involved in their shooting (being shot on city streets and active locations).  He knows exactly what needs to be focused on in any given sequence, and even at this early stage in his career, seems to have a crew of people he trusts to carry out the plan, and follow the action.  Again, I don't have a deep knowledge of his repertoire, but this is a completely clean, crisp effort that doesn't attempt anything flashy behind the camera because it has absolutely no need to. The performances are all the flash needed.  An absolute gem of a movie, that I watched twice in the same week.

KWIF: Creed III (+6)

It's been exceptionally difficult to keep up on everything there is to keep up on, both as a consumer and as someone who likes to prattle on about the things he consumes.  So Kent's Week in Film is this: each week (or so) I have a spotlight movie which I write a longer thinky piece about, and then whatever else I watched that week I do a quick little summary of my thoughts. Capice? It's a busy week (with a few stragglers from last week), so let's get it happenin'...

Kent Week In Film #7:
Creed III (2023), d. Michael B. Jordan - in theatre
Rocky V (1990), d. John G. Avildsen - Crave
Luther: The Fallen Son (2023), d.  - Netflix
Mackenna's Gold (1969), d. J. Lee Thompson - Silver Screen Classics
Royal Warriors (1986), d.  David Chung - Criterion Channel
Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022), d. George Miller - AmazonPrime
Sunshine (2007), d. Danny Boyle - Disney+

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Creed III presents a story that wrestles with the concept of whether violence is ever the answer and seems to come out on the side of, "yeah, sometimes it is". It could have been terribly hokey in how it got to that answer, but for Adonis "Donnie" Creed (Michael B. Jordan, Fant4stic), it's about speaking to his old friend, now rival, Damian (Jonathan Majors, Devotion) in the language he understands.

A secondary, but probably better handled aspect of the film, is the failure to communicate. Whether it's regret for not staying in contact with someone, or for not conveying one's emotions, or talking about one's past, there's a lot going unsaid, and there's a damaging impact to it. Communication is key here, doubly emphasized by the appreciably ample amount of ASL used in the film. Even with multiple modes of communication, it doesn't always mean Donnie is saying what needs to be said to the people in his life.

Bianca (Tessa Thompson, Westworld) losing her hearing in the first film, the worries about their child being born deaf in the second, and Amara being a not-inconsequential part of Donnie's life in this third...these are things this series didn't have to do. It's representation that doesn't have anything to do with boxing, but this series has been committed to it, and doing so without exploitation. It's just the world these people live in and I have huge respect for that.

The draw of course is seeing two of the world's most attractive men punch each other in their beautiful, beautiful faces, and it certainly delivers on that. Jordan's first directorial effort is suitably strong, with a lot of attention paid to the fight choreography. Having just binged the first four Rocky movies for the first time, and also been quite a fan of this spin-off franchise, I'd dare say this is the best fighting of the series (though nothing tops Coogler's one shot in the first Creed).  Jordan has cited anime as his inspiration for the fight sequences and he certainly captured the dynamic and dramatic visual style of the genre in live-action form.

With more than just a performance on the line Jordan's commitment here is total, putting everything into it. Majors, for his part, is fantastic, given what he's asked to do: sympathetic with a percolating seed of menace that perhaps erupts too abruptly, but Jordan as director and Majors as performer always make sure we know where Damian's mindset is at that time. He's really not hiding anything, which points to Major's incredible ability to speak text and convey subtext.

There's only a brief mention of Rocky Balboa, but not as Donnie's mentor or coach, rather it's in the context of giving an underdog, re: Damian, a shot, a callback. This film lets Adonis Creed be the star of his series without the shadow of Rocky or even Apollo loom over him. Donnie has proven himself, but also needs to learn that he truly earned what he has, it wasn't just handed to him.

I also appreciate the series using elements common to the Rocky series and equally subverting them. Donnie retiring, only to come back for a bout he has to take on is a standard. But Donnie is also the better, more devoted father and family man than Rocky, for whom fighting seemed to always come first. Donnie's relationship with Bianca is a highlight in this series, where the Rocky/Adrian relationship peaked halfway through the first film, and went steadily downhill into afterthought territory thereafter. Bianca is never gnashing her teeth or watching disapprovingly, or even exceptionally worried...she trusts her man to do his job, as he supports her equally in hers.

It's not an exceptionally deep film, but it is thoughtful and considerate, it's quite entertaining, it looks great (chalk me up as an appreciator of Jordan's third act stylistic flourishes) and it's cohesive with the series. Hard not to like, and I do. A lot.

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I recently did a heavy dive into the first four Rocky movies for the first time, (even watching both the original cut as well as the 2021 Stallone re-edit of Rocky IV), and was surprised to find a more complex series with a richer cast of characters than I had ever thought (since I largely dismissed the series as cheap jingoism and silly thrills).  Where the first two Rocky films are largely straight-up dramas, the third tries to turn the hero and the story into muscle-bound heroic warrior fare, where the fourth both dials back how kiddie-friendly it is, but dials up the "rah rah, 'Merica" spectacle to 11, before giving Rocky a congenial out. In Stallone's re-edit of Rocky IV, he really tries to bring back the character of Rocky that went missing in Rocky III.  In Rocky V, written but not directed by Stallone, slow, mumbling Rocky is back in full force.

The film begins with Rocky having retired from boxing (yet again), with the threat of irreparable damage should he continue to fight (yet again). Oh, and he's broke, again. The first act of this movie is complete feels-like-we've-been-here-before vibes (and we have, in Rocky II). So instead of fighting ol' Rock embraces his family, spending time with Adrian and Robert and hanging out at the gym, where he reminisces about ol' Mick in faked "cut scenes" from prior movies introducing a new and integral-to-this-movie hand-me-down good luck charm. 

Rocky agrees to manage/train a new dumb kid from Oklahoma (get this, his name is Tommy Gunn) who soon supplants Robert (and Adrian, and Paulie) as his number one guy, especially since Rocky lives vicariously through him and his fights. But there's an unscrupulous fight promoter of Don King's ilk (but let's be clear for legal reasons, not Don King) who is keen to get Rocky to fight again and thus steals Rocky's overeager golden boy, which wounds Rocky greatly. So Rocky starts spending time with his family again, until Tommy for some reason challenges Rocky to a street fight which is some weak-ass-shit for the climax of a boxing movie. And wouldn't bare-knuckle, no-rules brawling be even more dangerous for Rocky's medical condition?

Anyway, this one's a pretty weak entry to the series. It's got all the drama, tension and flair of a made-for-TV movie of the era, and feels like the budget to match. It doesn't look great. It's got a pretty enjoyable generic 90's rap soundtrack, though.

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I would say that both Toast and Kent are fans of Luther (or "Loofah"), the very dark and pulpy Idris Elba detective series that's been running on and off for over a dozen years now (Season 1-3, Kent, Toast | Season 4, Toast). The show has killed off any number of partners (both at work and at play) that John Luther has had in their very harrowing four series, so the cast that needs to be carried into the film is incredibly small...basically just Luther and his boss/friend/enabler DSU Martin Schenk (Dermot Crowley).  The hook of Luther is that he's an incredibly effective detective who can read a crime scene and the perpetrator's psych profile pretty instantaneously. He's a highly intuitive guy.  But also, he's a bit of a corrupt cop, circumventing the law many times over to ensure justice (of some form or another) is served, while also, at times, taking a bit for himself.

The new Luther movie, The Fallen Son, does as the rest of the series fondly does, which is present a series of murders that are viscerally and conceptually disturbing. The makers of this show really want you to squirm thinking about how sick these murders are. These are also never "whodunnits" either, the murderers tend to be major characters in each "season" too, the show creators really want you to know how gross or perverted or disturbed these individuals are, and it's always effective in creating a sense of urgency for Luther to solve the case. Of course, some aspects of John's shady past always gets in the way of his crime solving, as is the case here, where the shrew, conniving, long-game murderer (played by Andy Serkis) airs Luther's dirty laundry in public to the point of having him thrown off the case, arrested and sent to jail.

The film then requires Luther to get out of jail, elude the police and figure out the murder's plot, and it works well, to a point.  As a film, it doesn't do enough to introduce you to Luther, it basically expects you know who this guy is. It doesn't let you come in cold very well.  Besides that, the film is a pretty engaging thriller, with some shocks and unexpected twists. It's a marginally bigger budget Luther production, with some traveling expenses, so it winds up in the third act in Norway, but for what is less a horrifying setpiece, but rather a kind of silly one (I find "dark web" plots have kind of been spoiled by Letterkenny).  Overall, agreeably enjoyable and with an end sequence that may just allow Idris Elba to be a secret agent (though not James Bond) afterall. Sure, more please.

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Sometimes I just leave the TV on in the background and stuff pops up that catches my attention for a while. More often than not it's a documentary, but every now and again it's an old film that confuses or surprises me in some way. Mckenna's Gold was the latter. I did not see the beginning 20 minutes or so of the film, but I quickly caught onto the gist of it. Gregory Peck has has a lead on some gold, and Omar Sharif is a bandit who holds a European beauty hostage to force him into taking him to it. The bandit also has a pair of Apache mercenary guides along with him (played by white people of course, including Catwoman Julie Newmar).

It's always difficult to for me to enjoy these types of movies with white people playing Native American, or where tribes are very coarsely presented as basically an environmental adversary. There's no sensitivity to the portrayals here, and perhaps its my own ignorance of history that makes me distrust anything Hollywood of this era wants to present with respect to Indigenous culture. Here Newmar plays a "crazy" Apache who tries to sexually molest Gregory Peck at every turn and murder any romantic rivals. There's an extended underwater nude scene that caught my attention, less because it was titillating (it wasn't), but more for its confusing, abrupt edits (and also the shock of nudity in a western of this era...also note that Peck is FULLY clothed in the water in these scenes).

I don't think anyone ever expects a western to be a special effects extravaganza, but that's kind of what it becomes unexpectedly in its third act. It looks pretty cool, like a pre-Irwin Allen disaster film, with lots of camera trickery and miniatures. I liked it all quite a bit, but I'm a sucker for ambitious, competent practical effects. Omar Sharif is the scene stealer here. Telly Savalas is a great bad guy as always. Peck's performance is pretty reserved and non-committal, and paired with a sleepy Camilla Sparv, they make for an uninteresting on-screen couple. Can't recommend it because of the racist crap, but a fascinating Sunday afternoon watch.

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Royal Warriors gets all of 40 seconds in before Michelle Yeoh starts kicking ass and then seemingly doesn't stop the ass kicking for a half hour. The first fight sequence is incidental (but great), the second is the inciting factor for the whole film, which is like a reverese revenege-a-matic, where it's the bad guys out to get revenge on the good guys for killing their friends (and it's great). This film is wild. The fight choreography is top notch, creative and glorious to watch. The early fight on the plane leads to a sequence I've only ever seen one other place (Alien Resurrection).

The first act ends with an absolutely shocking moment I was not prepared for.

The second act gets going with an absolutely insane set piece in the most gloriously 80's neon-and-glass filled two-story bar that you just know is going to get smashed all to shit, and boy is it satisfying when it does...completely. I was seriously impressed that they seemed to get every last bit of glass shattered. 

The second act ends with another gobsmack of a moment that, again, I just wasn't prepared for. The third act gets quite silly, but in a deliriously enjoyable '80's way.

The characters in this movie have personality, but that's about it. There's not much going on with them beneath the surface. and our ostensible hero, Yeoh, is probably the least developed of the main cast.  But this is next-level '80's action that I cannot believe isn't talked about next to the greats of the era. It's so well done, so bonkers, I want to watch it again and again.

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Yeah, I like Idris Elba. I also like Tilda Swinton. And I guess I like George Miller too. But I don't like these three blindly. Bad reviews kept me away from seeing this in the theatre. Good reviews kept it on my radar for when it would inevitably reach streaming.  That time is now.

Swinton plays a woman who has devoted her life to stories, such that she leads a rather solitary existence, one which leaves her content, but perhaps not fulfilled.  A chance acquisition in Instanbul finds a Djinn (Elba) in a bottle who proceeds to offer her three wishes, and the ground rules of what he can and cannot accomplish. But, Swinton being a scholarly woman, is more than aware of the warnings fables about Djinn and genies present.  She will not callously wish, but the Djinn proceeds, through telling his own stories of his three prior mistresses, why she must, lest what might tragically become of him should she not.

The first story is highly fantastical, and each subsequent becomes more grounded in something recognizable. The stories are bizarre but captivating, and for Swinton, rapturous. They are foremost full of love, betrayal, and heartbreak, and, in the end, always hope. Elba's Djinn is not an impish or mischievous sort, and he seems to earnestly be angling for Swinton's trust, effectively conveying how in her debt he is.

This is a vibrant (gads, the colours!), luscious, ornate production that may just be too unusual for the masses, but in a world where Everything Everywhere All At Once is both a commercial smash hit and Oscar best picture, it shouldn't be that far off.  I loved it, though. I found it sweet and delightful, the visual acuity so very, very satisfying, like a rich decadent dessert.

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I saw Sunshine when it debuted in 2007, but remember very little save for my feelings of disappointment. Why was I disappointed? Those thoughts are lost in an old blog, scattered into the digital winds, but if I had to guess, it was probably that I wanted something more adventurous out it.

In revisiting it 15+ years later, I feel the Alex Garland of it all. I loved the slow, atmospheric, heady sci-fi of Devs and, in many ways this feels like a precursor to it. I feel like the tone (and tones, both visual and audio) of Sunshine were adopted by Garland's work on Devs. I have to wonder how much time Garland spent with the production of Sunshine, and how much of the crew he's carried over from his various works with Boyle.

I've become rather enamored with "slow sci-fi" in recent years, in a way I certainly wasn't in 2007. From the first few seconds of this rewatch I was in. It's a gorgeous movie with a stacked cast of (suitably) not-yet-stars (most would come to shine brighter in the future): Cilian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, Mark Strong, Benedict Wong, Hiroyuki Sanada and Cliff Curtis. But it very slowly loses me as it goes along, though never completely lets me go.

If anything, I think I want this movie to be even slower than it is. It starts to enter peril fatigue midway through it's third act, and the final 5-8 minutes seem, frankly, unnecessary. I think it's meant to be a hopeful movie, but after two acts of relentless bleakness and bad news, it's really hard for that maudlin final scene on Earth to feel as uplifting and triumphant as I think it was meant to.

I love Underworld a massive amount, and their score is really great, but the song that kicks off the credits is not one of their best, and it's tonally ill-suited for closing out the production. And the clipshow running over the credits is a bizarre choice.

 

 

KWIF: Weird, The Al Yankovic Story, Amphibian Man plus Michelle Yeoh

 Kent's Week In Film #6:
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story - 2022, d. Eric Appel - Roku Channel
Amphibian Man - 1961, d. Vladamir Chebotaryov and Gennadiy Kazanskiy - youtube
Magnificent Warriors - 1987, d. David Chang - Criterion Channel
Police Story 3: Supercop - 1992, d. Stanley Tong - Criterion Channel
The Heroic Trio - 1993, d. Johnnie To - Criterion Channel

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One of the biggest surprises of 2022 was that Toasty watched Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, and the bigger surprise was that he liked it...or rather, "mildly enjoyed" it.

Weird... shouldn't have to be for Yankovic devotees, but I think some familiarity or investment in his music really does go a long way in enjoying the film.

I had my Weird Al phase as a pre-teen, which coincided with my Mad Magazine phase...like peanut butter and chocolate, those two. But when I started into comedy podcasts back in 2009, I started to catch onto the respect and adulation that Al had garnered in the comedy scene, and then one of my favourite film critics, Nathan Rabin did an entire blog series-turned-book of analyzing Al's output song-by-song, album-by-album. It was like I was being given permission to actually liking Al and not just dismissing him as a remnant of my past juvenile predilections ...as if to say I didn't leave behind comic books and action figures and whatnot, so why did I have to leave Al and Mad Magazine behind?

Anyway....

I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. As Al has been doing with his music for four decades now, it's a parody of the recent space of musical biopics, starting with the disapproving parents that just don't understand their weird child. "...Your dad and I had a long talk and we agreed it would be best for all of us if you would just stop being who you are and doing the things you love."  His parents call polka the devil's music, so Al hides polka magazines in his textbooks and plays accordion "in the closet".  As a teen, good boy Al gets coaxed out by his friends to a party, only to learn that it's, *gasp* a polka party.

There's a meta conflict in the film since there's this early idea of an alternate reality where polka is dangerous, seemingly illicit rebel music, but that conceit butts up against the idea of there being pop music and pop music parodies, so it doesn't sustain much past these early flashback sequences.

There's a later conceit where Al starts creating original songs and then the pop musicians start "parodying" him with their straight takes. This, again, is a delightful alt-reality that maybe didn't get pushed far enough.

It's not really a problem that there's not really a "reality" to this film, or, at least, "reality" is a fluid concept in exploring Al's career, but it would have proven a tad more satisfying had there been consistent conceits to the world of Weird that is clearly not our own. The final act turns away from music biopic parody and instead turns into an 80's action film parody, which, frankly, seems a very "Weird" Al thing to do, since Al doesn't ever stick with one genre. The film even ends with another alternative reality moment that works well enough but is then backed up by amazing pictures of Al Photoshopped into "real life" moments both as portrayed in the film and famous moments in history.

One of the highlights of the film (of many, frankly) is the Dr. Demento party scene, which is has a dual purpose Where's Waldo of pointing out all the celebrity characters in attendance (Andy Warhol, Pee Wee Herman, Salvador Dali etc) and then spending the time trying to pick out which comedians or comedic actors are portraying them (Conan O'Brien, Jorma Taccone, Emo Philips respectively).  This culminates in a moment where a member of Queen (no, not that one...or that one...), as played by David Dastmalchian, calls out Al for having lost his parody skills, and Al throws "Another One Rides The Bus" in his face.

The sequences of song inspiration/creation are all in their own way ridiculously over the top, utterly obvious and in-your-face in a way that is only slightly more exaggerated than what is usually found in a musical biopic. The "My Bologna" creation sequence is a brilliant piece of comedic satire.

Radcliff as Al is committed in a way that the film needed him to be, but I don't think anyone would ever expect a performer to actually commit so hard to a role like this. Evan Rachel Wood is absolutely savage as Madonna, just a devilishly menacing, gum chewing femme fatale. Madonna couldn't even play Madonna this good.

That all said, it's definitely the "Weird" Al of parody musical biopics. And I enjoyed it thoroughly in that respect.

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I was listening to a recent episode of the Video Archives podcast this past week when Quentin (Tarantino) and Roger (Avery) just started introducing the gorgeous-looking Russian classic sci-fi film Amphibian Man. It was mentioned it was streaming and so I didn't listen very long before I turned off the podcast and pulled up the film on Tubi, having learned very little about it...save for how "gorgeous" looking it was both on Quentin's sepia-toned VHS copy and Gala's vibrantly coloured streaming version.

I got about 8 minutes into Tubi's decent, but not "gorgeous" looking presentation of the movie, seeing the murky (not gorgeous) pearl diving sequences, and the bedazzled silver wetsuit and fin-helmet of the Amphibian Man (called the Sea Devil in the film) and warned of a creature attacking fishermen and sinking their boats). Set up as sort of an aquatic monster, our first glimpse of the Amphibian Man is ludicrously comical when you're expecting something like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. The melodrama of the pearl diving slave driver mooning over an indebted man's daughter, only for her to be rescued by the sea devil, all seemed really silly and I stopped watching, continuing with the Video Archives discussion the next day.

Quentin and Roger's discussion continued into the gorgeous "Bond villain lair" setpiece, the diving bell elivator, plus the wonderful Cuba-set exterior sequences, the fine costuming, and, once again, how good the film looks. Clearly I had missed something, So once again, I stopped the podcast and started watching from where I left off, only this time going to youtube. The film's Russian distributor has posted the film in full on their channel and in its most glorious-looking full-colour presentation, however, it's not subtitled. A kindly youtuber has however taken that version and subtitled it (a little wonky, but better than the English dub or AI-generated subtitles).  And no less than a minute from where I left off, indeed we're introduced to the "Bond villain lair" and yeah, it's spectacular. And we learn that the "sea devil" isn't a creature at all but a boy who was given shark lungs to save his life.  With these two aspects, I was completely turned around on the picture.

What happens from thereon is a very fairy-tale meets superhero meets weekend-afternoon fantasy-romance that's part Splash, part Luca, part Little Mermaid, part Shape of Water but predating all of these films, and, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it inspired any of them.  The sequence in which Ichtiandr (the Amphibian Man) takes Guttiere out on a stroll, and she teaches him to dance is an exceptionally romantic moment...not sexy or steamy, but romantic, and the two very attractive young leads amidst the vibrant Cuban vistas in very well-tailored attire make for very appealing viewing. 

What astonishes me most about the film is indeed how good it looks, yes, just as the Video Archives gang all but promised. Unlike most Hollywood productions of the time, it uses so many exterior locations instead of backlot "streets" and it's so exotic-looking and vibrant. The film also employs some fun composite and layering techniques, photo trickery that isn't fooling anyone but is exceptionally charming. The directors here, really do employ wonderful uses of light, shadow, colour and composition. There are some marvelously framed sequences, even some dazzling forced perspectives.  I've seen a lot of underwater sequences recently and these are fine, not quite as gorgeous maybe as the rest of the film, but still marvelous for likely the time the film was made and the technology available.  

As well, after recently watching a few Hong Kong/Chineses action movies (see below) which all seem to uniformly have terrible scores, the soundtrack to this was absolutely lovely.  There's also a really remarkable, brassy swing tune about the Amphibian Man that's happening at a club while Ichtyandr is looking in its window, and it's just great.

There are definitely some logic gaps in the story, and the third act doesn't so much build as it does circle around a few times before it reaches its exit, but what a beautiful slice of joy, perfect weekend morning viewing.

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The Criterion Channel this March decided to celebrate Michelle Yeoh's Oscar nomination with a collection of films from her first two decades in the industry. Sadly, Yes, Madam! and The Stunt Woman were available to US viewers only.  But that still left me with a handful of Ms. Yeoh's movies that I hadn't yet seen, and was very eager to dive into.

First up was Magnificent Warriors aka Dynamite Fighters (well, actually, second up, but I hit the wrong title and completely missed Royal Warriors aka In the Line of Duty), in which finds Yeoh as an adventuring, kung-fu fighting aviator, tasked with rescuing a super-spy, and helping defend a Chinese village from occupying Japanese forces during WWII.  Um, yes please. The fighting is graceful and wonderful, and a few of the stunts have a real "oof" factor.  The dogfight is surprisingly good for remote controlled minis. While the story and characters are overly simplistic, and the film sags in its second half Yeoh, Richard Ng, Lowell Lo and Chindy Lau are all super-charming and strive to elevate the material to the adventurous Indiana Jones-esque spirit it's aiming for. Shame that the production really only saw fit to have one cheapo John Williams-esque knock-off composition created for the score, which it uses incessantly. The last "reel" on criterion completely shifted aspect ratios and dropped the English subtitles, whatsupwithat? Ultimately, not a great movie, but not a bad time either.

When I watched Jackie Chan's Police Story films last year, I was surprised by how much I wasn't enthused by them.  They are legendary for Chan's stunt performances but they are neither great nor memorable stories, nor are they particularly well shot or technically well produced (beyond the stunts). For Police Story 3: Supercop, Chan handed over the director's chair (though likely still wielding great influence over the production) to Stanley Tong, and the difference is everything. The story is clear, the comedy hits hard, the action is tactfully captured (as opposed to just captured) and it just looks good. I don't want to oversell it as anything groundbreaking visually, but compared to the prior two films this has well a much needed competency. And it had Michelle Yeoh.  The plot takes Chan's inspector Ka Kui, onto mainland China to go undercover with a regional inspector (Yeoh) to infiltrate a Chinese drug lord's operations. The third act leads to a memorable poolside comedy piece where Ka Kui's has to avoid his vacationing girlfriend May (Maggie Cheung finally getting to be a real part of these movies), or he will be found out by the mobsters. This all famously leads to a sequence where Chan straps himself to a rope ladder hanging off a helicopter and flies all over Kuala Lumpur before landing on a moving train. It's a tremendously enjoyable picture. I now need to see the Yeoh-starring Supercop 2 (why didn't Criterion also have this?!?).

Yeoh was a huge highlight of Police Story 3, going toe-to-toe, stunt-to-stunt with Chan (as Yeoh mentioned in her interview with Marc Maron on WTF, Chan was frustrated that Yeoh was so good that he was having to push himself into even bigger and more dangerous things). Yeoh reteams with Maggie Cheung as two of the titular Heroic Trio, along with Anita Mui.  It is a superhero movie where two of the titular heroic trio are actually working for the bad guy. The same two title heroes are kidnapping babies, and the third of the three fails to save one baby who falls from great heights right onto a rusted nail. Later the trio blow up a small assembly of cannibal children because there's just no hope for them.

It is a bright, colourful, silly blend of wuxia and 90's superhero films that feels more inspired by Dick Tracy than Burton's Batman, aesthetically, but isn't playing by the usual rules of the genre. Everyone is good but  Cheung is phenomenal, just an explosion of delight and charisma every second she's on screen.  I like the movie, but I want to like it even more than I do. I think I'm mostly disappointed that Yeoh is stuck with the most melodramatic role, and doesn't get to have as much fun as Cheung or Mui. And she's dubbed...I know why she is, but still it makes me sad.