3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): The Courier

2019, Zackary Adler (Casual Encounters) -- Netflix

Why do I watch these movies? Easy to digest? Familiar plots so I can spend part of my time looking at my phone? Time wasters? They are not often BAD bad, or boring enough to turn them off, or terrible enough to watch gleefully, so just continue to be middling. And with the occasional diamond rising from the depths of the dross.

Maybe you need to make THAT a tag?

Part of me actually wants to turn the watching of these middling movies into a Kent-style Project wherein I pull them apart at the seams and comment on how design, structure and execution of movies that take just enough effort & money to produce, but don't care to have any passion for the product. But to do so would require effort, and research, and front-lobe thinking that suggests I have the mental energy to do all of the above, but if you revisit the first paragraph, you can see I don't. If I had that energy, why wouldn't I just give it to watching actual GOOD movies?!?!

He doesn't have any real answer, you know that, right?

Ezekiel Mannings (Gary Oldman, Leon)  is a crime lord under house arrest in NYC awaiting trial... by video for some reason. In London, a courier is given a last-minute package to deliver under a strict deadline. On her motorcycle, in her super sexy leather, she flies to the secret location where a witness will testify, hinting that this single act will put Mannings in jail for all the crimes he normally gets away with. 

The courier arrives with the package -- a fancy, schmancy Zoom webcam contraption, but SPOOF (!!) it was all a setup!! It releases a gas and one of the FBI agents (yes, FBI in London) betrays her fellows and lets everyone die. And tries to kill the courier. She is supposed to be killed in a hail of gunfire, a patsy. The witness happens to be hiding in the bathroom when the room fills with poisonous gas. Little did they know The Courier (we will capitalize her now; Olga Kurylenko, Oblivion) was actually a very capable ex-special-forces-type ex-soldier that easily survives the attack and escapes with the witness. BUT they are trapped within the parking garage by Bad Guys and chained doors. Thus begins a bottle episode or "locked in a room" episode; whichever trope you want to ascribe to it. Good thing this is one of my favourite tropes.

Again, note how much easier it is write these posts when you can mock them?

So, what happens next is what we expect. She fights off the Bad Guys, most often one at a time, sometimes two until it comes down to the Boss Battle. Initially the witness is a pain in the ass, but eventually he sees this stranger is here to help him, and is incredibly (and mysteriously) capable. Surprisingly, they allow The Courier to have some humour in her reactions & responses to this very violent altercation. Sure, heroes in these movies are supposed to be quippy, but usually Kurylenko is relegated to very sombre roles. Anywayz she shoots or stabs everybody to death and saves the witness... barely.

But we cannot comment on this movie without talking about villain Mannings played by Gary Oldman in suuuuuch a terrible terrible role. He is supposed to be Eastern European menacing with his black leather, scars and eyepatch, sitting around his home all day in a dressing gown, intimidating the Agents assigned to watch over his house arrest. But his character is very video game background Boss Bad Guy, but never really actually does anything but act menacingly. I mean, the whole act that they are going to convict him (and apparently end his crime empire reign) was a single shooting of a single person, by his own hands. Booorrrrring. Most Evil Bad Guys would not be bothered by a single murder conviction, either running things from a posh country club jail or arranging to have the conviction overturned on a technicality. Instead, he arranges a very complicated corruption & betrayal by FBI agents willing to kill their own for money.

Oh, and one final Bad Guy nod. The interim villain, another betrayer character (Interpol? FBI? MIsumthin?) is trying to run the "kill the courier!" activity from a security room, talking to her over the PA system and yelling at other Bad Guys to "SHOOT HER YOU FOOLS !!" He was a lot of fun actually, constantly popping pills and washing them down with booze, doing his best to soothe Mannings anger that the job was still not done. You could just feel his frustration, in his constant whining, "This was supposed to be an EASY job betraying everyone who trusted me; she is she screwing all this up for me?!?!?!"

So, in the end, did I enjoy myself? Was it worth watching? What does the shoe-gazing voice say?

Yes, that's me.

Yeah, kind of. Its a cut above the usual dross. Its executed decently. It provides exactly what its meant to provide, but does not go above its station. But it still makes me wonder what it takes to go to the next level, to become the next John Wick, to not just be sold to Netflix amidst a long list of other movies called The Courier. I don't have the answers; maybe when I do The Project, I can do some research.

Riiiiiiight.

Also, what's with the novel you write about THIS kind of movie?