[We Agree] 6 Underground

2019, d. Michael Bay  - Netflix

The opening 20 minutes of 6 Underground is frenetic, aggressive, and overly self-satisfied. Bay produces a car chase sequence that not only isn't exciting but is genuinely upsetting in how it wastes all its talents and resources just to keep slapping us in the face with juvenile gags, purposeless dialogue (meant to pass as witty banter, I think), and protagonists who seem to constantly and senselessly endanger the public, and are pretty glib about doing so. The crashes are overblown, often absurd (Bay remarkably limits himself to only one Baysplosion here), but seemed to require a lot of effort, all for usually a 1-3 second cut so you can't even really marvel at them. This type of quick-cut filmmaking wasn't even really that enjoyable at the height of Bay's powers and now it just seems so passe.

It's not that the premise is stupid, because any premise can work if you treat it right, but Bay can't take anything seriously, and when he tries he can't stop himself from overly indulging in effects, explosions, wisecracks or dumb gags. There's no room for real emotion or sentimentality.

But yeah, this movie is bad. The story has terrible pacing. It keeps interrupting any momentum it gains with flashbacks and origin stories. There's no real character building, because that would entail spending any amount of time getting to know them with any earnestness. Halfway through the film we don't know these characters or have any reason to care about them or their safety.

Ryan Reynolds' voiceover continually pops in to tell us... something... but nothing ever meaningful. It's supposed to be background or insight but only serves to fill any quiet moment (like an establishing shot) with noise.

I got one laugh (when there was that nerdy kid sitting with them at dinner and Reynolds calls out that they perhaps shouldn't be talking about their plans in front of him) and I really only found the parkour sequences exciting (and for all the effort that went into car chases and gun fights, they're astonishingly tedious).  I guess the giant magnet was interesting, except Bay kept overindulging in juvenile gags and improbable effects.

Just...what a fucking waste of time, money, talent, resources.

(Toast's take)