2025, Luc Besson (The Fifth Element) -- download
This adaptation of the Stoker novel takes liberties in two main ways: moves the primary action to Paris, and (oh migawd) was so inspired by the Coppola Dracula you could see the shadow of Gary Oldman in the background. Besson denies this entirely, but it cannot be ignored. Also, Besson claimed to have drawn upon the "truth" of the novel, in that Dracula had a wife he loved so deeply, he became a vampire to spit God, after she was killed. Yah dude, that was not present in the novel; in fact, nothing about Dracula presents him as a romantic lead. That's all generated in subsequent cinematic depictions. In the novel, he's a monster that stalks prey and takes advantage. Sound familiar?
Anyhoo.
We begin in Walachia in the 1400s, Prince Vlad Dracul (Caleb Landry Jones, Antiviral) in his entirely not Coppola-inspired shiny armour is dragged away from the sex & debauchery with his wife Elizabeta (Zoë Bleu, feature debut) to fight the Muslims. Except they ambush her, while she is being secreted away to protection by a handful of guards, and an errant bolt from Vlad's own crossbow kills her. He is beside himself, slays the Bishop and rejects God; thus is born the monster.
This opening period sequence had me wondering whether this movie had been his own personally funded passion project, given the flop-ness of Valerian and the fact that, at least in North America, his last two flicks went severely under the radar -- I still haven't watched DogMan and was not even aware of June and John. The armour looks less authentic than the cosplayers I see in my IG feed, and the sets.... well, they look like painted sets.
I also should mention that I cannot take Caleb Landry Jones as a romantic lead -- I know we are not supposed to judge physical appearance, but.... he's just so toady to me. But at the very least, he and Zoë Bleu do have more chemistry than Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne did.
Over the next four hundred years later, Vlad is convinced his Elizabeta will reincarnate, as she promised him not even death would end their love. But its not easy to find one woman among the millions, so he enlists the assistance of minions (no, not little yellow babbling minions; but more on that later) -- by turning others into vampires. There is an interesting play on trope, the one where Dracula is considered irresistible to most people, but its developed here by having him develop a perfume scent so powerful it draws anyone in the room to him. Basically he roofies anyone within nose distance of him into a horny suggestible state open to neck biting. There is a ridiculous, hilarious, WTF dance number that shows Drac dancing and seducing over the hundreds of years.
Four hundred years later, we are in Paris where Vatican investigator Father Totally Not Abraham Van Helsing (Christoph Waltz, Frankenstein) is brought into to consult on the strange case of, red-headed Maria (Matilda De Angelis, Citadel: Diana), who got really really horny on her wedding day, and hurt a few people, her husband included. They have her chained up in a cell, and when The Priest (seriously, they don't name him.... eye rolls) inspects her, going on and on like he is from CSI: The Vatican he points out her sharp teeth and desire for blood. Its all presented rather matter of fact-ly, like you know, vampires are just one of those weird things in the world. After confirming her as vampiric, The Priest goes on to do some research.
Oh my, De Angelis has fun in this role, the utter exuberance she has playing the blood sated vampire, horny as hell and high on life, her tongue lolling all around her bright shiny fangs, laughing and dancing, enthusiastic about everything. This is how vampire life can be alluring.
Meanwhile, we are in Coppola's Dracula Castle where (not Keanu) Jonathan Harker (Ewens Abed, Andor), a real estate agent, is invited in to setup a "deal you cannot refuse" with the Prince who owns the castle. I swear, it feels more like Harker is there to invite Dracula into a Ponzi scheme, and not the novel-driven "I need to buy land in London" plot that brings them together. And this is where we meet The Minions, Dracula's little grey grotesques (not gargoyles) that do all his bidding for him, instead of the three wives he traditionally has in the basement -- its a weird playful addition to the movie. Dracula, in these scenes, is so... very... totally... Gary Oldman. It is also here where Harker trades his life for the story above, the one with the perfume concoction -- "Oh yeah, you're a vampire? How about you not drain me like a pig, and I listen to your really cool life story? Sounds good? Good." Aaaand Harker's fiancé just happens to be.... Elizabeta reincarnated! Off to Paris, Drac runs! So, eventually Harker is able to escape via a small window and a long fall.
So yeah, Mina Murray, or "Elizabeta", is Harker's fiancé and Maria's best friend. Not sure how Maria played any useful role in finding her, but .... still. The scenes of their meeting are where the movie focuses on its sub-title, "A Love Tale" -- this movie really sympathizes with Drac, actually making him a respectful, honest man, not doing the immediate terror and "I vant to dreenk yer blud !" Besson wants this act to be beautiful, to have the two come together naturally, to have Mina / Elizabeta's realization be real and not subterfuge. And it works.
Well, his desirable goal works. She does realize who she once was and .... they run away together. BUT given Besson's history with women, there seems to be some very not-subtle comparisons between him "an Old Guy who likes young women" and Drac's very very very Old Guy who likes younger women, one in particular. Its always been the cultural challenge of immortal beings and the young women they fall for, in fiction. Angel who was over 100 years later, falls for 16 year old Buffy -- and Joss turned out to be a troublesome figure in his interactions with female "coworkers". What exactly can a 3000 year old elf have in common with his 20 sumthin love interest? But no matter, the two run away, and as Besson presents it, she is not "beguiled", she has been made aware of Who She Really Is. Buuuut, her fiancé and The Priest won't be having any of that.
That final act is ... well, wild. Soldiers have accompanied The Priest and Harker, and are attacking his castle with a fusillade of cannon fire from nearby cliffsides. Soldiers fight, soldiers die. Drac is a good swordsman, and they are ... lacking. And his little grey grotesques are all over the place, leaping to attack. In the end, its not the fight that wins the day but a war of wills between The Priest and Dracula, wherein the former reminds Drac that he is condemning Mina/Elizabeta to the same eternal damnation as himself. The only way he can truly "save" her is to release her, to die himself, to free her from whatever he had in store for her. And thus Drac does, taking the silver stake for her, as so many tragic-love depictions of these two shows.
I didn't hate the movie, but ... it won't be on The Shelf. It has tenuous connections to what I like from Besson, but all in all it just felt like one gigantic indulgence, even more so than Valerian. I blame the subject matter. I don't think this story is one that fits well into his grand scheme of things, his playfulness and large scale story telling.
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