3 Short Paragraphs (Or Not): Borderlands

2024, Eli Roth (Death Wish) -- download

It seems I have been doing this a lot lately, this being watching a movie that has been fraught with trauma in its creation and wondering whether I should just do a deep dive into that trauma instead of pondering on why the movie sucked so badly. But, my source is The Internet, so the research ("I did my research!!") will be tainted by the content creators itself; there will be no unbiased journalistic take anymore. So, maybe just a bit, nothing too deep.

We can skip right past the Development Hell for the last ten years. I mean, its a movie based on a video game; that's a built in challenge. And then 2020 comes. Cate Blanchett likes to comment on how it was The Lockdown that influenced her to accept the script, but I get it, she was feeling cooped up, a little mad, and the idea of a big, flashy, scifi actioner could have been appealing. But is it her brand? I mean, she did look like she had a grand ol time in Thor: Ragnarok, so ... maybe? Why she was chosen for the role is no matter, as I imagine they tossed it out to a bunch, but she accepted and age doesn't really matter in character roles like this. The only casting I question is really Kevin Hart as Roland, but that's my own personal bias against him. But the telling issue is that the primary shooting completed in 2021.

And then the shitshow. Eli Roth stepped away so Tim Miller (of Deadpool) could handle the reshoots. Gone are the days where we could get some real insider info on what happened, but Roth claiming he wanted to focus on a (probably even more terrible than this) horror movie focused on the Thanksgiving holiday seems suspect. Ten writers later, the original screenwriter telling them to take his name off it, and Things Do Not Bode Well.

And it shows. Fuck it shows. If there was anything that was clear to me in watching it was that I was ... bored. The movie just flows from one setup to the next at a breakneck pace like it was just hurrying to get to the end. Shoot bad guy, shoot bad guy, quip quip quip, shoot bad guy, shoot bad guy. Its almost like they were playing a video game, but no, let me finish... like they were the most disinterested Player playing a the most banal shooter without taking any time to actually enjoy the game.

So, the story.

But do you really want to go through the "story", i.e. your usual recap and whinging?

No, I don't. The story to the games was always simple enough, basically D&D With Guns, as in a bunch of adventurers are drawn to the planet Pandora in search of the mythical Vault. What's in the Vault? Untold Riches, i.e. nobody knows but it does involve some ancient alien beings and the technology they left behind. The characters are part of the fun and over the games included a bunch of typical yet fun archetypes: the soldier, the assassin, the character with mysterious powers, etc. Even the NPCs were well fleshed out and eventually iconic, such as Tannis the Mad Scientist (Jamie Lee Curtis, Freaky Friday), Tina (Ariana Greenblatt, 65) the insane bomb obsessed adolescent, and Moxxi (Gina Gershon, Emily the Criminal), the sexified bar owner. The world of Pandora is Mad Max meets scifi, with the planet covered in scrap, and populated by an endless supply of "psychos" -- colourful mask wearing gun-toting nutjobs who love making mince meat of any Vault Hunters they come across. Oh, and monsters, lots of weird monsters. Remember, D&D With Guns.

The plot was probably supposed to be a wacky romp, finding a reason to jam together the bunch of weirdoes, which they had a lot to choose from, so they did a mix of actual Player Characters and NPCs, and then have them Vault Hunt. And that is what it is, but.... they seemed to have effectively sucked the fun out of everything? 

I originally intended on actually crawling out to see it in the theatre, on my own as Marmy couldn't imagine sinking money into seeing it, but it bombed so badly it showed up on Downloads rather quickly. On the small screen, it still looked lovely. You can see the attention to detail they applied to the movie and it LOOKED incredible, from the colours to the backgrounds, to the set pieces to all the junky elements. But the flow just ... died.

I don't care about the characters. Even Blanchett's attempts to put some gravitas on her character Lilith (Cate Blanchett, Don't Look Up) was just ... wasted. And I was constantly distracted by what appeared to be an immense amount of Botox, smoothing out her skin to a plastic level consistency, but this could have been a mass amount of makeup or digital effects.

Final Boss Battle ! Big climax? Why are we here again? Oh yeah, the Big Bad Atlas (Edgar Ramirez, Jungle Cruise) has been manipulating everyone so he can get into the Vault. But we knew that from scene one, so there is no reveal, and yet ... they try to? Also, who is that obviously iconic Bad Guy in the background? Players of the game will know, but he played zero role in the movie until he is kicked into a hole in the final fight. The stakes in this final battle scene feel empty, and once they get into the Vault, we ... see nothing. There is nothing tangible to call Treasure. I don't even remember if they had some mystical mojo alien technology that they decide cannot get into the hands of Those Who Cannot Be Trusted With Power.

Again, I repeat, maybe I need another viewing to find some mild charm in the movie? I mean, there were things about it I liked as I watched, such as Tiny Tina and 50% of Jack Black as CL4P-TP (Claptrap), and the look & feel, but... yawn.